Until We Meet Again

Nyabihu is a village about 2 hours outside of the capital city of Kigali. Over the past three years, it has become one of my favorite places in the world. Being there, I find little hands in mine, see smiling faces, and hear my name hundreds of times as children envelop me in what can only be called a huddle hug. I have had the privilege of spending three weeks out there this summer, and those times have been the highlight of this trip. On Sunday, I had to drive away from this little village knowing that it was the last time I will see it for at least another year. This is one of the hardest recurring themes in my life. I love being there, and I always dread leaving!
The reason it is so hard to walk away from this place, is that it is here where I hear God most clearly speak to me about what is breaking His heart. He is not ok with the way the world is, and He is calling me to no longer be ok with it either. In Nyabihu, I have found what I recently heard a pastor call my "holy discontent." This is the place where my heart says enough is enough and something must be done. It is not ok with me to live in my total comfort while my babies are hungry. It is not ok for me to focus solely on my personal growth when my babies need Jesus. It is not ok for anyone to feel forgotten or abandoned by this world, and my Jesus will not let me forget it!
What makes the leaving so difficult is knowing that my heart and destiny are somehow wrapped up in this place, and yet I still have to walk away.  It is hard to understand that my path is not leading me here right NOW, and that is why I am reduced to sobs as I drive away from the people who have captured my heart. It is easy to feel frustrated and upset at having to go, but my Lord reminded me that this pain is good! My heart only hurts because God has caused me to love them so and broken my heart over what hurts His. So, for now I carry them and their stories with me, commit them to prayer, rejoice in the time we had together and what the future holds. I cannot say goodbye. So I say with a thankful heart, until we meet again....

My Worlds Collide

I come from the land of plenty where hot showers, fast internet, and reliable electricity abound. From the place where what we "need" is really more what we want to keep us comfortable. In that home of mine, I am not confronted on a daily basis with the reality of poverty, hunger, or desperation just to stay alive. Now I know that these things exist in the US, but I am able to go into my comfortable home and close out the hurting. I can walk away from what is hard and be content for a long time in all my stuff!

I have come home to this other land of mine, where the harsh reality hits me in waves as new days bring deeper understanding of the magnitude of suffering that can exist here. Little things like showering from a bucket when the water is off, letting my crazy hair air dry because the electricity is out, or packing into a bus to town where I don't think it is humanly possible to fit another person and then doing it somehow are a few things that make life here different from my life in the US. These are not the things that bother me. In all reality, it has been much easier to get used to the unpredictability of certain parts of life here than I thought. I find that I don't miss my big bed or hot shower. I don't need TV and constant internet. I can feel completely refreshed bathing from a bucket and get used to the pace of life that is very different from the rush of home.
It is stepping into the lives of people in these villages that wrecks me. That is what changes me and has me asking so many questions. That is what puts my comfortable, numb little life in Rock Hill into ugly perspective and leaves me reeling as I attempt to process what God could be saying or teaching me in all of this. I am in a place where DAILY I encounter someone's pain and need. Where the reality is that a child this ministry serves, died two weeks ago simply because he didn't have enough to eat. His little body starved to death, and I worry about not being able to eat my favorite snacks or missing my night time cereal for two months. I met a girl who at 14 is pregnant with her father's child-not by her choice and feels such shame that she tries constantly to keep her stomach hidden. I sat eating at a restaurant while a child on the street called to me that "he was hungry too." I spent yesterday in two homes (huts with no more than two "rooms") where the number of children is more than the amount of food they can afford because renting this house we wouldn't dream of living in takes more than they have. The children hadn't eaten for the past three days. Sometimes I hear that and it doesn't even resonate with me. Seeing those faces, there was no denying the reality of their need. I feel entitled to food after a few hours and they don't know when they will eat again. How do I reconcile this in my mind? How do my two worlds exist in such stark contrast to each other? What allowed me to be born in the land of plenty while these beautiful little ones were born into such need? It hurts my heart and brings a heaviness that is hard to shake. There is no crawling into my safe little cocoon and forgetting what is out there. These faces stand ready to remind me what life is really about.

So with my heart broken over what I see here and over what people (myself included) are completely missing at home, my dilemma becomes...how do I live in these two worlds??

How do I live in a world where I have everything I need and most of what I want, but can be so spiritually bankrupt? A world where I have TV or other forms of entertainment that allow me to make the choice to go numb and ignore the call to love others more than myself, and more often than not I make the wrong choice. How do I not only stay afloat but spiritually thrive in a place where my material possessions put me among the world's rich and not have to dull my senses in order to leave behind this other world of mine?

But then how do I live in a world where the daily reality I face is difficult struggles, heartbreaking stories, and overwhelming need? How do I love like Christ loves day in and day out without becoming hardened to that around me or so burdened that the inability to "fix" all of this leaves me depressed? In this world that is hard, sometimes lonely (as one who stands out in any crowd around here haha), and heavy with a responsibility to always do more, why do I feel such an intense joy that words can't capture? Why does my heart find such peace and comfort in the faces of these children? How can they be so full of life, real -beautiful -meaningful life, and I seem to so often be missing it when I am not here for them to remind me???

Honestly, I don't really know how to end this post in a lot of ways. I have more questions than answers for sure. I am asking a lot of my Jesus these days, and my heart is sometimes so desperate to reconcile what I see and feel, regulate my emotions, and settle in to somewhere comfortable with all of this. You know what happens when I start longing for that though? He reminds me that the comfortable, the ordinary, the numb is exactly what I asked Him to get me out of. The ability to dismiss the lost, needy, and hurting with excuses for how little I can do to change things or just a heart that doesn't love like His, is what I have been praying against. So here I am getting prayers answered and then wondering why I feel this way...why my heart hurts ( a feeling I know so many others have shared).

So my conclusion is this- my questions are many and are about really huge things, but my God is bigger. He is so passionately in love with me and these beautiful lives whose paths I am crossing. When I can't do everything I wish I could do, He reminds me that each day He is calling me to just the one(s) in front of me. That yesterday it was enough to give some money, buy some bread, and pray for the family of seven children who hadn't eaten in days. It is enough to hold children that are lonely or sick or hungry and remind them that their Jesus NEVER leaves! It is enough to put my tired head to the pillow each night and thank Him for another day of providing and ask Him to give of His abundance to those who so desperately need Him. Jesus is enough! He always has been for the destitute and broken here in Africa and for the lonely and needy hearts in America. Although it hurts, may I never return to the place of complacency! THAT is no longer enough.

Words of Calling

As I sat in a training session with Josephine yesterday, I prayed that God would open my heart to whatever He could teach me. This was a course that others were taking, and I would only be attending one out of the five sessions (not to mention the fact that this was the 3rd one in the sequence). My expectation going in was not very high for those reasons, but I wanted God to speak to me in some way. In His own sweet plan, He answered the prayer almost immediately. We read some verses of Scripture that "just happened" to be on the board from someone else's meeting before we got started. One of those passages was made up of verses I had read and God had used to inspire my heart about a year ago. I had not spent much time with them since then, but a fresh awakening for my soul came as I read and heard God clearly confirming these words for me. He was speaking them into my heart and over my life, especially for this season. I feel renewed in His vision for me here, and I am committing to reading and praying through these verses every day that He may use them greatly in me as I seek to do His will here.

Isaiah 61:1-4
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.
They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."


Holy Father,
May these words be true of my life and ministry. Send me out to the broken hearted, the poor, the sick, the desolate, the prisoners, and those living in darkness, for the sake of your Name! May the generation of children being brought up in Rwanda be those who will restore the places here that have been long devastated. May they be the change Christ is bringing to restore and rebuild for future generations. My heart is overwhelmed that You would allow me to be a part of this. Jesus- receive all the glory and delight as hearts turn to You!

Adjusting

My journey to two months in Rwanda began long before I left, but last Thursday marked the official beginning of this trip. I have to say that I was completely blown away by the grace of the Lord as my departure date grew closer. Normally my nerves and anxiety would be almost more than I could bear in the week leading up to something so big, but it wasn't until the day before my flight that the nerves kicked in. That in and of itself is reason for continued praise. When the anxiousness came on, it was pretty strong and left me unable to eat and wishing that I could just be "normal" in dealing with this transition. It always seems that I carry things like this on such a deep level emotionally that it leaves me exhausted before the journey begins. I fought tears and this aching heaviness as I said my goodbyes at the airport, and as Ben and I traveled I battled my emotions for our 38 hour journey. I knew that this was God's call for me, and that if He was leading this was His best for my life. I was clinging desperately to His promise that His grace is sufficient for anything that I face. While the first two days were full of adjustments to a new time zone, new food, new place to call home, I wondered if my heart would really adjust to being here and how I could move past the ache that pulled at me. In His beautifully simple way, Jesus began slowly unfolding His goodness as little things made me feel at home. Ben and Josephine have gone out of their way to be family- encouraging and praying for me. JP has gone above and beyond what anyone would ask to make sure that I am ok. There is even a loud dog that barks right outside my room at night to remind me of my neighbor's incredibly annoying dog back home! It is the little things- haha. After one week of being away, I can say confidently that I have adjusted to the newness of this home, and I am so thrilled to be here living out this call on my life! God's grace is nothing short of miraculous, and I truly am in awe that He cares so deeply for me that He would write such sweet details in my story! I am looking forward to the day that I will see family and friends from home again, but as early as yesterday my heart hurt at the idea of having to leave my friends and family here. I am praying that I will live intentionally in each moment I am given in Rwanda and that Christ would use me for the purpose He had in mind when all of this began!

Thank you for the overwhelming support and the reality of your consistent prayers. They are needed and felt daily! I pray that you will find joy in His presence as you walk the road He is leading you on!

Little Ones

Since childhood I have loved babies and little children and just about everything that goes along with them. Based on that, I guess it is not surprising that I longed to be a teacher. It is interesting to actually be doing something that you wanted to do for so long. I have seen the wonderful and not so glamorous parts of teaching, but through it all the kids are what keep me coming back. With Rwanda, it was the same attraction for me. I found such joy in talking and playing with these children or just finding a little hand in mine as we walk along the road. This created a new passion for me as I wanted to be with these children- teaching, learning, and loving.

In God's timing He has given me the opportunity to both teach my kids here and now go to love on my kids there. As I was squeezing my little loves tight and saying goodbye only a week ago, the magnitude of what God entrusts me with daily really humbled me. I have an opportunity to speak into the lives of many children, to love them, show compassion and kindness, and be the representation of Christ when they may have no other. It is a lot of responsibility and an inexpressible joy. So as I sadly said goodbye to my class at school, I did it knowing that God has given me a whole other set of children across the world that it is time to share life with. I don't know why He chose me to do this, but I am so glad that He did. I will move from my loves here to my loves there and know that Jesus is crazy about all of them!
 I am coming little ones....

Transparency

This post is my attempt to be completely transparent for the sake of encouraging others in going after what God has called them to despite the struggle and to ask for much needed prayer support as I continue on this journey.

As you have heard me say many times before I am not someone who likes change or always handles it well. I am also a real home body so going across the world for months at a time is not something natural to me. I do this for the love of the people of Rwanda and my love for Jesus, not because I am good at it! So I knew in the months leading up to this trip that there would come a time when my body would start to react to this big change that was coming with some real anxiety. I have always had serious battles with nervousness and panic in these situations. For me, I knew it was pretty inevitable. The question was simply when this would start. Last Sunday morning I woke up with knots in my stomach and knew immediately that this was the beginning of my anxious days. Initially I was trying to address the panic I was feeling and later it just turned to anger that I already have to deal with this stress when my date to leave was still over three weeks away. Now in my natural state, my reaction is to fall apart, to think that I can't do this, and that I might as well turn back. From experience, I have learned that Christ has big things for me when the opposition is greatest. I can choose to believe the lies and give up the opportunities ahead out of fear OR I can choose to walk through the struggle clinging to Jesus and begging for grace. I knew what my decision had to be although in the throws of that intense anxiety it seems impossible to put one foot in front of the other. In all reality, it is impossible for me to do this and that is when I know that Christ alone is the hope to keep moving. He promises us that His grace is sufficient for THIS day! I cannot project His grace onto unknown days ahead and expect to be at peace. I have to take Him at His word and allow Jesus to walk me through this day.
The truth about this last week is that the anxiety didn't just go away. I still found that each morning as soon as I opened my eyes and knew I was in the world, the knots in my stomach were there. This is a struggle I have and must deal with, but His grace was enough! He did ease my mind and heart, provide relief, remind me that beautiful things are ahead and that they are mine if I just trust Him.

So for anyone who has felt the sting of anxiety or panic over what is to come, you are not alone. Don't let that keep you from moving forward in His grace and seeing the beauty of His will unfolding in your life. Being outside of your comfort zone yet inside His will is the best place to be!!

As my departure date draws closer the excitement builds and the anxiety threatens to undo me. PLEASE pray that I will see God's sufficient grace and experience it as my moment to moment reality. Pray that God will hold me so close that I can't deny His presence and that He would give me that peace that passes all understanding. I pray that this will be true for you in your moments of most desperate need. Cling to Jesus!!

It's all OFFICIAL!!

Since the last time I posted, some major steps have been taken to clear my way to Rwanda. I can now officially share all the information...

- The district granted me a sabbatical from work until next school year. My last day with my little kiddos will be April 19th.

- My plane ticket has been purchased. I will be flying out of Charlotte on May 2nd with the return date planned for July 8th.

- I have updated all my shots/medical info.

- My final fundraising night has been planned. I have received such tremendous support!! Thanks to everyone. God has truly provided through His people.

- In Rwanda I will spend my days teaching and working with teachers, visiting the sick, needy, orphaned/widowed, and being Benjamin's organizational system for the ministry :)

As the day grows closer I have so many emotions, the greatest being a combination of excitement and nervousness. I am thrilled that God has taken me through this whole process and continues to teach me new things about Himself all the time.
Please pray for me in these last few weeks of preparation- that my heart would be completely surrendered to the Lord and prepared for what He has for me, that I will be able to get everything done without pushing the limits of my energy and sanity (haha), and that Satan would have no room in my mind to breed anxiety, fear, or dread of being so far away from "home." I must remember my home is really wherever Jesus meets me!
Thank you for the overwhelming love and support.

Waiting

If you are anything like me, waiting is hard (that is the understatement of the year)! Life has become a series of waiting for one thing or another, especially with regard to Rwanda and my journey to get back there. Sometimes I get completely overwhelmed as I wait for decisions to be made or things to be done that I have no control over. It seems as soon as I get answers in one area, there is another situation that requires more waiting. I believe that I have had a lot to learn in how to wait, and all of this is God's way of teaching me. It is not an easy lesson! I have found though, that as hard as it can be, God is faithful in the wait. He does give peace and rest when there is nothing more that I can do. He sets my mind at ease when the anticipation becomes too much, and He surprises me with little answers along the way.

Today I am writing from a place of excitement because I know that the day is drawing closer when I will be in Rwanda doing what Christ has called me to. Tonight a big decision will be made one way or another that will allow me to move forward with major steps and see all this become a reality. I can't wait to be able to share actual dates and a countdown to Rwanda with all of you on the blog!! Please be in prayer for me tonight as I await the outcome of a decision that is not mine but will make a difference in how I move forward. Please pray that God would use this decision to give clear direction and allow me to move into step with Him. I am so grateful for all that has happened along the way and how it has changed me. The next few weeks will be full of exciting details and plans!
Stay tuned.....

Let's Talk About.....Missions!

God has given me a heart passionate for foreign missions. Because of that I LOVE to hear about missions in foreign countries, speak about my own mission to Rwanda, and be in the presence of people who are also passionate about sharing Christ around the world. If you enjoy this as well, I have a great opportunity for you.
My church is having a missions conference this coming weekend. We will have special speakers each night with a different missions focus. I have also been asked to speak on Sunday night about my second home and the time I will be spending there in a matter of months. Below is the schedule for each session. I would love to see you there!!

All sessions will be in the Family Life Center located behind the sanctuary of Neely's Creek Church (974 Neely's Creek Road).

Friday night at 6:45- short term missionary in refugee camps, missionaries serving with SIM (serving in mission).

Saturday at 8:30 am- local opportunities to become involved in missions.

Saturday at 6:45 pm- missionary family to serve in Spain

Sunday at 9:45 am- focus on a missionary's journey to the field ( I will share a little in this time).

Sunday at 11 am- Director of World Witness (ARP missions agency). He will also speak during each evening session.

Sunday at 6:45- ME! Focus on what God has done along the way to Rwanda.

Reliance

"Relying on God has to start all over everyday, as if nothing has yet been done." - C.S. Lewis

This is a quote that I saw somewhere and wrote down about a year ago, knowing it was something I needed to be reminded of on a regular basis. That has never been more true than in these last few months. This journey of following God as He leads me to Rwanda has brought with it every emotion imaginable...ones I didn't even think could have anything to do with this process. There have been times of extreme closeness to the Lord and times when I felt like He was far from here. There have been questions that seemed to have no answers and answers provided before I even knew to ask the question. Recently some things I had counted on changed once again which means more adjusting, praying, and waiting. For a planner like me, this has been one wild ride of trust and faith. I have failed to trust and wait more times than I even want to admit. Every time I come back to the Lord, He reminds me that this is a process that I have to take one step at a time. Each time a new obstacle presents itself or even when plans are coming together smoothly and it all seems to be falling into place, I must remind my soul that every morning (or a million times throughout the day), I have to start over with relying on His hand to guide me through each step.
I don't know where you are or what you might be needing God's guidance for, but know that He can be counted on. We can begin each day relying on Him for what only He can provide.

Jesus-
Please remind me every day that I need You more than I realize. When You show me my need, would You also help me to lay down my agenda and expectations to rely fully on You. Teach my soul to surrender anew every morning!

Obvious... my new favorite word

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Growing up in the church, this is a verse I heard a lot and memorized at a young age. It has revealed different truths to me throughout the years, but one in particular struck me several weeks ago. I was reading a book where the author was describing our role and God's role in this verse. We are to trust God with everything and acknowledge that we want His will in each area of our lives. That is usually as far as I went in reflecting on these words because that is where my responsibility in it lies. When looking further, the author of this book pointed out that as we do that, God's part is to make our paths straight. She went on to use the word "obvious." My first reaction to that word was that it was not used in the verse, and I was not sure that it was something I could expect from the Lord. Can I really ask that He make something obvious to me and expect that He will do it? According to His word, He will make our paths straight or, in other translations, direct our paths. If He is directing me, then why would He not want to make things clear so that I can follow wholeheartedly? So that night I decided that I was laying Rwanda at His feet. I released my plans, desires, and questions to Him. I told my sweet Lord that I needed to know what He wanted for me, but that I needed it to be so obvious that I could not deny it was His answer. I asked that I would be so sure of His will,  that to turn my back on what He revealed would be to choose disobedience. I knew that I was being bold, and honestly I wasn't sure what would come from it. I was determined to stand on His promise to direct my path. Let me tell you that within about two hours my answer came, in the form of a burden He placed on someone else's heart. He answered months of prayers, longing, and questioning, in one conversation with a dear friend. He revealed in beautiful detail how He had been working even when we weren't aware of how all the pieces fit together. I asked for obvious and boy did I get it!! Now, I don't believe that answers from Him will always come so quickly or dramatically as they did that day, but I know He hears my prayers. I know that He wants me to ask Him to reveal Himself. I know that He is calling me to Rwanda in His specific time, and I am taking each step He shows to get there. There has been a lot of waiting and wondering, a lot of joy and tears, but with every event that has occurred He has been moving me to this place and this time. He gave me my obvious answer when I surrendered my way and asked for His will on this path. I have no doubt that He will do the same for you!!

Running

I went running today. For anyone who knows me, you know that it is usually a battle within my own mind to actually just get out there and do it. Once I get going it isn't too bad until I hit this one incline on my road that makes me wish I had never had this brilliant idea to run today. So I was listening to my iPod as usual, feeling fine, and then I hit that hill. I got to that moment where my legs start burning and I am working overtime to breathe. Well today my shoe also came untied and the wind started whipping against me. I was just wishing that I was done- at the end of this run and not having to think about it anymore. That is when I heard Him....Jesus that is. Tenderly He said, "One step at a time, sweetheart." Rather than focusing on where I eventually wanted to get, in these hard moments, I needed to take it one step at a time and no more. With that in my mind, I decided to try just focusing on my next step- not desperately searching for my driveway to come into view. When I did, I saw that the reality of running those steps wasn't nearly as difficult as the build up in my mind. I could do it. I could continue to run even when it was hard, if I just took it step by step. Of course, Jesus wasn't really speaking to me about my run. He was speaking to me about this journey I am on with Him. Right now I find myself in another one of those periods of waiting that threatens to derail my emotional handle on things. I am refusing to let Satan convince me that my God is not faithful or doesn't care about answering me. I have seen His faithfulness and tender care so many times already this year. So when I just want everything figured out....no more questions, worries, uncertainty, I hear Him again- "One step at a time, sweetheart." As much as I sometimes don't see it or even fail to admit it, He does know best and for whatever reason I am having to wait. I can praise Him that He has never left me in the wait! He is my joy, and so I am choosing one step at a time.

 

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..."

New Year, New Me...

First, I need to apologize for so much silence in the blogging world. I am still here! All I can say is that life took over and the blog fell to the bottom of my list.

In only the first 12 days of this year, I am realizing that 2013 will rank amongst the best years of my life. If not even one more exciting or wonderful thing happened this year, God has already done enough to deserve 365 days of my praise! I need to be writing to preserve memories of His faithfulness.

Each new year brings us an opportunity to start over. We can make changes. We can dream about how life will be different as this year ends. We can commit to doing things differently...better. Most of my goals this year are spiritual ones. I want to memorize more Scripture, commit to daily prayer for others, and be more disciplined in my pursuit of God. In short, I want to want Jesus more. I began this year praying that God would give me a greater desire for Him that would lead to a deeper pursuit of Him. This alone results in greater service to Him and all those that He loves. I have talked before and will again about simply asking, but boy has He already shown up this year. I am experiencing a greater intimacy with Christ than I dreamed possible, the kind I grew up believing was reserved for only the really holy people who seemed to have some kind of special line to Jesus. I know that He is desperate for me, and I am desperate for Him. I cannot pretend to know what 2013 will hold, but I want all of the Lord's will for me in this year. I will hold on tightly, for this beautiful journey has only just begun...