Transparency

This post is my attempt to be completely transparent for the sake of encouraging others in going after what God has called them to despite the struggle and to ask for much needed prayer support as I continue on this journey.

As you have heard me say many times before I am not someone who likes change or always handles it well. I am also a real home body so going across the world for months at a time is not something natural to me. I do this for the love of the people of Rwanda and my love for Jesus, not because I am good at it! So I knew in the months leading up to this trip that there would come a time when my body would start to react to this big change that was coming with some real anxiety. I have always had serious battles with nervousness and panic in these situations. For me, I knew it was pretty inevitable. The question was simply when this would start. Last Sunday morning I woke up with knots in my stomach and knew immediately that this was the beginning of my anxious days. Initially I was trying to address the panic I was feeling and later it just turned to anger that I already have to deal with this stress when my date to leave was still over three weeks away. Now in my natural state, my reaction is to fall apart, to think that I can't do this, and that I might as well turn back. From experience, I have learned that Christ has big things for me when the opposition is greatest. I can choose to believe the lies and give up the opportunities ahead out of fear OR I can choose to walk through the struggle clinging to Jesus and begging for grace. I knew what my decision had to be although in the throws of that intense anxiety it seems impossible to put one foot in front of the other. In all reality, it is impossible for me to do this and that is when I know that Christ alone is the hope to keep moving. He promises us that His grace is sufficient for THIS day! I cannot project His grace onto unknown days ahead and expect to be at peace. I have to take Him at His word and allow Jesus to walk me through this day.
The truth about this last week is that the anxiety didn't just go away. I still found that each morning as soon as I opened my eyes and knew I was in the world, the knots in my stomach were there. This is a struggle I have and must deal with, but His grace was enough! He did ease my mind and heart, provide relief, remind me that beautiful things are ahead and that they are mine if I just trust Him.

So for anyone who has felt the sting of anxiety or panic over what is to come, you are not alone. Don't let that keep you from moving forward in His grace and seeing the beauty of His will unfolding in your life. Being outside of your comfort zone yet inside His will is the best place to be!!

As my departure date draws closer the excitement builds and the anxiety threatens to undo me. PLEASE pray that I will see God's sufficient grace and experience it as my moment to moment reality. Pray that God will hold me so close that I can't deny His presence and that He would give me that peace that passes all understanding. I pray that this will be true for you in your moments of most desperate need. Cling to Jesus!!