The Truth About Emotions

I am admittedly an emotional girl. My emotions can lead me on a roller coaster of ups and downs that leaves my head spinning, if they go unchecked. For years, that was the way I lived my life...jumping from one emotional high or low to another without much regard for how it affected me or those around me. I lived under the idea that I was entitled to my emotions and couldn't do anything to change them. That is an exhausting and, quite frankly, depressing way to live. I am not denying that emotions can sometimes be so raw or deep that the best way to deal with them is just to let them play out honestly for a bit. I just know that letting my emotions run wild and dictate how life is going to be, is no longer ok with me.

God created us to be emotional beings. Often our emotions are an indicator of where our heart is on an issue or a red flag that signals us of something in a situation. Emotions can be so good and helpful. The problem occurs when we start giving our emotions free reign and making all of our decisions based on how we are feeling. I can look back in my life and pinpoint times when my emotions led me in decision making. I missed opportunities God had for me when fear said that I couldn't walk that road. I have friendships that have been forever impacted by allowing jealousy or anger to push me from that person. I have been in relationships that I placed far too much stock in for the future because of how they made me feel at the time. Seeing the results of a life being lived on emotion left me wanting and needing a better way.

A verse that I have found very convicting in this area of life is 2 Corinthians 10:5, 

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 

I am learning that just as my thoughts need to be taken captive, my emotions must come under Christ's rule. He knows the reality of my feelings and wants me to express my emotions to Him. He is the safe place where I can let it all out and then allow His Spirit to sort through the mess and show me how to deal with it practically. I don't have to live my life reacting to emotions or bottling them and pretending they don't exist. In His way is freedom. So on the days where my emotions seem to be all over the place and threatening to dictate how I live (which if I am honest is most days right now), I am choosing to take it all to Jesus. I don't want to look back any longer and realize that I have missed something beautiful because my emotions led me instead of Christ.

Just Ask

Jesus tells us in Scripture that if remain in Him we can ask whatever we wish. We are also told that God loves to give good gifts to His children. So if these things are true, why am I not asking? I wrestled for a long time about what was ok to ask God and what was trivial or unimportant. We do certainly need to ask with the right motivation and in the mindset of seeking His will, but He desires to answer our prayers. He encourages us to ask anything of Him. I have found that in asking, I have seen His hand more and more in my life. I started to take Him at His word and ask for very specific answers to prayer. Sometimes I get the answer I want and sometimes I don't, but He answers nonetheless. So I have decided that I am going to live my life just asking. When we ask, we receive and it makes the journey so much sweeter!

Letting Go

For a self proclaimed control freak, "let go" are two words that tend to strike fear into me faster than just about any other. For someone who follows Jesus, that really shouldn't be the case, but that is an area that He has to daily work out some kinks in this child of His. There have been several periods in my life where I have had what I like to call a white knuckle grip on things. I was so desperate to control the outcome of a situation or relationship that I was holding it far too tightly. When these times come, I find myself intensely frustrated because I cannot control what is happening but I can't bring myself to let go and release it to God either. This once again comes back to trust issues with the Lord. I have to fight deep rooted doubt that He has my best in mind and can carry it out when I don't know how. When I get to that point of overwhelming frustration I know that releasing my grip is the ONLY way to freedom. Unfortunately, it usually takes the hard headed (and maybe hearted) part of me being broken to the point of desperation before I will think that giving it over to the Lord must be better than what I am currently feeling. That is when God finally gets what He deserved all along...my trust and surrender! Although the letting go scares me, He has never failed to show me how much sweeter things are His way. Recently, there have been several things I have had to release, but I can tell you from the other side that it is always worth it. God never fails to give beyond my wildest dreams and shows me that He knows what He is doing (as if that should be questioned)! Thank you, Jesus that Your ways are higher than mine!!

To those of you who don't struggle with letting go (Do those people exist??)- just know that there are those of us who, as my ugly confession today shows, do struggle on a daily basis. Pray for us!

To my fellow control freaks- From the chief of sinners in this area know that there is hope. He can change us. He will use the struggle, and the freedom on the other side is so sweet!

Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Committing to Obedience

As I was lying awake in bed, I began thinking (or the Holy Spirit began speaking to me) about obedience. In my life, my obedience to God usually goes to the point at which things start being uncomfortable. It is then that I start questioning whether or not this is what God is calling me to or even if it is, am I willing to follow through? I realize that this rationalizing is mostly just my mind's way of trying to let me off the hook when God is asking me to do something I don't want to do. In this time of my life where there are more questions than answers, I started examining what obedience really means for me. For many, the idea that I would leave my job, family, friends, and everyone that is familiar to me for a land so far away and an uncertain future would be considered extreme or at the least a little risky. While there is definitely some risk involved, I had determined that fear and a belief that I couldn't follow God outside of where I call home were no longer going to dictate my actions. I was confessing that I wanted to do His will more than anything else...but do I? Right now, on days when doing His will means making huge changes and moving to Africa for an indefinite period of time, I am telling the Lord, YES! But what about the days when His will means being in Rock Hill, starting another school year, getting back into a routine, and waiting?? Am I so committed to obeying then? Am I saying that I want to do what He has called me to more than anything in those moments? If I am being honest, the answer to those questions is no much more often than I want it to be. I am realizing that my "commitment" to obedience was really committing when I felt good about what God was asking me to do or when it was what I wanted. Is that really obedience at all? NO! So to say that every day is a struggle to obey, be faithful, and find contentment in Him would be an understatement. He is no less worthy of my obedience in these days, and He has been faithful when I am not. The challenge before me is to commit to His call, no matter what it is!

Abba- You are worthy of so much more than I have to give, and yet You are patient. You know what I long for, but You also know what is best for me. Give me an undivided heart that wants more than anything to be pleasing to You. I want to be committed to obeying whatever You say!

Here I Am

Insomnia has been plaguing me this past week. I have gone through phases in life where it will be hard for me to fall asleep so I just figured it was one of those times again. I quickly realized that there was more to it than that. I could be exhausted and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was wide awake and my mind was running with a million questions and thoughts of Rwanda. One night in particular after struggling to get to sleep, I woke up in the middle of the night and was wide awake for more than an hour. That is not something that normally happens to me. Immediately I knew that I needed to be in prayer for as long as I was awake. I started praying for the people and ministry in Rwanda, God's steps for me in this, timing, building relationships there, and for specific direction. The words of a hymn I love came to mind...
"Here I am Lord, is it I Lord? I have heard You calling in the night. I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold Your people in my heart."

I was reminded of Samuel being awakened in the night by the Lord. He didn't realize at the time that it was God calling to him. Like Samuel, I was dense at first about the fact that God might be trying to speak to me during these times when I was unable to sleep. Thinking through all this, I discovered that when I was awake in the middle of the night devoting time to prayer...I was much more able to listen. In the still darkness of night, I wasn't distracted by other things. He could guide me so much more clearly because I was tuned in to Him. A peace settled over that time, and I  completely enjoyed the presence of Jesus as I poured out my soul to Him. I know that He has placed His people in my heart, and I am listening for His call to go. I am confident that He is leading.
I will no longer look at insomnia as an inconvenience but as an opportunity to draw closer to the One who is speaking to me!

Calling All Prayer Warriors...

I first want to say that I am amazed at how many people are reading this blog and offering such support on this journey. This has been an incredible way for me to process and deal with the emotions swirling around in me as well as allow people to connect to what God is so graciously doing in my life. I pray that through my words, God will provide you with some encouragement, joy, or insight on your own path to Him. I know that He has used so many of you to do just that for me.

Now I have a favor to ask of you. I need PRAYER!! One of my greatest joys recently has been going to the throne on behalf of brothers and sisters and asking that God would move in their lives. I now need some warriors in my corner who will join me in seeking Him for next steps in my journey. I know that there are a lot of you who have already started praying faithfully for me, and I will never have the words to adequately express the depth of my gratitude. So for those already praying or those who are willing to pray, I want to give you some specific areas that you can join me in praying about...

1. I want to be obedient to the Lord's leading no matter what He asks, so please pray that I would not limit what He can do in my own mind or make plans based on how I view things to be.

2. The opportunity to go to Rwanda for several months to a year, may be available sooner than I had originally anticipated. I need prayer that God would open  doors for me to go in HIS timing...no sooner, no later.

3. I will need funding or some sort of salary while I am in Rwanda as I would be leaving my job here to do this. Right now there are a few different options for how to proceed in this area. Please pray that God would make clear the way He wants for me to fund this mission.

4. Although I will be making this decision, I need my dad to have a peace about me being away for that amount of time in Africa. This is very difficult for him, understandly so. I know that it is only through a work of the Spirit that he will be able to release me to do what God is calling me to.

5. Please pray for the current ministry and all its workers, specifically Benjamin. There is so much work to be done and they are in need of more consistent help right now. Please ask God to open doors for some new people, who are willing and ready, to be added to the ministry on a full time basis.

I am so thankful for the family I have in Christ. Your prayers spur me on in this time of waiting and seeking God's will. I appreciate each one of you for reading, praying, and encouraging me along the way! I can't wait to look back at how God has used this time for His glory!!

Sharing a little joy over a salvation bracelet. Can you tell they loved them?

As They Forgive

Being in Africa has taught me many lessons over time, but Rwanda can be a model for the world in a specific way. To be in this land is to see forgiveness lived out day by day. To give some background, Rwanda experienced a tragic and devastating genocide in 1994. During this time, one tribe turned on another with the intent to eliminate a whole people group from the population. Millions of men, women, and children were murdered by people they knew- neighbors or even family and friends. The survivors of this genocide saw things that no one should ever have to witness. No family was unaffected. You may have heard things about Rwanda since then, but there is a side to this story that should never go untold. The book entitled "As We Forgive" by Catherine Larson, tells stories of individuals who endured the brutality of this genocide, and yet chose forgiveness as a way to move forward. In my relationships with the Rwandese, I have found that this choice is not uncommon. Every day they are choosing to forgive. They are choosing to let the perpetrators of these crimes serve their time and move on. They are choosing to live in community and rely on each other. They are choosing to take Jesus at His word and forgive when it seems impossible. I have no doubt that the Spirit of God has worked miraculously in the hearts and minds of the people of Rwanda. They are not without physical and emotional scars. They have heartbreaking stories to tell, but the stories do not end with tragedy. They will be the first to tell you that the Rwanda you see today is a direct result of the choice to forgive. They do not forget what happened. God has enabled them to move forward together, mourning their loss, celebrating their liberation, and standing united. I am humbled when I think of the petty things I have refused to forgive. If Jesus can forgive...if the Rwandese can forgive...then surely I can forgive. The rest of the world failed to step in when Rwanda needed us most. What we can do now is learn from their tragedy, a lesson in deep forgiveness.

Father, please continue to bless this land! Teach us through the example of your people in Rwanda what it means to live in the freedom of forgiveness. You have shown Your power here. Thank you for letting me witness it.

No Dress Rehearsals

You don't have to be in Africa long to recognize that the pace of life is much different than here. Although they do plenty of working, there isn't the same push and urgency to get everything done right now. One night as our group was walking through the town of Musanze, one of my new friends pointed out to me how much we miss when we take life too quickly. He said that we get to live each day once. I have heard that before, but this time it stuck with me. To slow our pace, even just a bit changes our perspective. When we rush and our goal is to accomplish all the things we think are important for any given time, our focus is us and our schedule. As we slow down, we begin to see opportunities Christ gives us that we could have easily missed. Whether this is an chance to serve someone, nurture a relationship, or become an answer to prayer- I don't want to miss it!

Another side of this that hits home with me has to do with being active in my faith. Maybe you are able to slow down and see things that God is putting in front of you, but you fail to act. I have been there too. For many reasons- fear, laziness, feeling inadequate- I have let opportunities pass where I could have been a blessing and used by God for His purposes. Recognizing the chance to do something meaningful is pointless if we have no follow through with action.

So I have decided that I want to stop observing life and get caught up in living it! Not by the world's defintion of finding happiness in taking what I want, but by making the most of what has been given to me by God in each day. I will not get this day back so I have to live it like the real thing- no dress rehearsals!

Defining Home

You have already heard me say that I am what I would call a home body. Other people (my family) have given this condition an assortment of names, but for now we will just stick with "home body." To me, this simply means that I have always loved home- defined as my family and the house I grew up in. I remember, as a child how long it took me to even spend the night at a friend's house. I couldn't stand to be away that long. Even going away for a year of college didn't cure me. I had resigned myself to being glued to this place believing that I just couldn't be away.

Then, He took me to Africa. Going to Uganda is 2007 was the hardest and most freeing experience I have ever had because I did it without the company of anyone I really knew. The Lord used that trip to forever change me. When I got home, I found that for the first time in my life I was homesick for another place. That feeling exists and intensifies with every trip back to Africa. It left me wondering how I could long for a place I have known on short occasions the way I long for the home I've always known. There was no denying that God was up to something. When I am in Rwanda now, I feel as though I belong there in a way I don't always even feel at home.

So I had a new dilemma- I was now a girl homesick for two places. I wanted the Lord to help me release my grip on one place, not learn to live between two worlds. That was just the beginning of His teaching journey though. Now I had more questions than ever. If I am going to long for two places, how do I know which one He wants me to be in? Is my view of what I am capable of, even in His strength, dictating my level of obedience? Which place am I going to call home? It was in that last question that He revealed the trouble in my thinking. I have always had a place that I called home and that is where I wanted to be. I was writing my own definition, and it was all wrong. Home is not a geographic place or group of people. Home is JESUS! Grasping this makes all the difference. God can take me anywhere in the world He wants because my true home is in Him. It is not defined by emotional attachments, childhood memories, or new found family across the world. It is resting in Jesus no matter where I am. Whether I am in America, Rwanda, or anywhere else in all the world, I am learning that standing in the center of His will is where I will call home.
Lord, make me completely at home in You!

A Good Ache

Heart ache is something I have tried to avoid, sometimes at a high cost. I don't think anyone wants to feel it, but we all go to different lengths to protect ourselves from it. I have had an ache in my heart since I got on the plane in Kigali headed for home. There has been no way for me to avoid this one. It is my constant companion these days. There are moments when things seem managable and times when I can't stop the tears from coming. I have the choice to despair or cry out to the only One who fully understands. I am choosing to cry out (most of the time anyway).

As I think about the future, I find myself in a "waiting" stage again. It occurs to me that with my job, the soonest I can logically see my Rwandans is in December. That seems like an eternity from where I'm sitting. So I am waiting to be reunited with them, waiting to see what God has planned, waiting to take new steps into something that is still pretty unknown right now. I have never been good at waiting, but despite myself God seems to be breaking through with some lessons. I am learning that although this ache is uncomfortable, I don't want it to go away. As long as it is present, He is pushing me to something more. There is an excitement that His call for me could be leading out of the ordinary. He also so gently reminds me in my lowest moments that His grace is sufficient for TODAY! He is in my future, but I am not. When I look too far ahead, I become overwhelmed. He knows my mind's limitations, and that is why He promises to give me everything I need for this day. We will have to deal with tomorrow when it comes!

Changing my M.O.- fear and worry

For people who know me well- or probably even a little- it comes as no surprise that I would classify myself as a worrier. From childhood, I have been full of "what if" questions and a need to over analyze any given situation. What I have discovered as I get older is that this worry is just a manifestation of the fear rooted underneath. These fears are not as commonly known to those around me. I think it is time that I share some, if for nothing else than accountability. So here are a few of those things that cloud my mind even in my efforts to follow God whole-heartedly...

- What if I am not really much more than the "home body" little girl I have always believed myself to be?

- What if God calls me to Rwanda and away from everything I have known growing up?

- What if God doesn't call me to Rwanda, and I live here with this permanant ache because, at least part of my heart, is somewhere else.

- This one stings to write but for the sake of brutal honesty...

What if God cares about me enough to write something huge into my story, but doesn't factor in all the ways that I am not equipped for the call, leaving my heart with an always "homesick" feeling for somewhere? (OUCH, I know! That one is ugly.)

- What if I want my security more than I want His glory??

These are some questions that can weigh heavy on my heart, but once again I am reminded of His truth.

2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and a soundness of mind."

He didn't create me to be fearful, to worry, or to always ask "what if?" He is big enough for these questions and aches of my heart. At the end of the day, He alone is ENOUGH!

His Good Work

Philippians 1:6

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus."

I have known this verse by heart for a long time, but recently it has taken on a whole new meaning. I always thought that the good work that was being referred to was our salvation. God was faithful to complete that work and will keep us secure in that until Jesus comes again. I am seeing now that in the context of God's plan for our lives, this verse speaks another truth.

You see, God started a good work for Africa in my heart years ago. Then, it was only a desire to one day do a short term mission somewhere on that big continent. In countless ways, he confirmed and nurtured that desire until I finally set my feet on Uganda's soil in 2007. That was all it took for me to know that I would never be the same. After that trip the urge to be back in Africa only grew stronger. Through His planning and perfect timing, I connected with Benjamin, who ministers to orphans, widows, and struggling families after Rwanda's genocide. I had the opportunity to spend a week there last summer. That quickly proved that it was only the beginning of my love affair with this country and its people. It was then that God began grooming me for more. Over this last year, I have prayed a lot and sought to release my plans to Him (which is never easy for me). Going for two weeks this year confirmed many things in me. There will be much more to come on that, but for now what I am learning is that He did start a good work in me long ago for Africa. He continued to fuel that desire in me until I saw the dream of going come true. He has taken the initial plan I had and narrowed it down to a specific ministry in Rwanda and allowed me to fall into an indescribable love with a people and a country that I did not, until now call home.

Being back has been hard because my heart aches for another place. It has taken crying out to Jesus more times than I can count and specific reminders of this verse from a wonderful Rwandan to help me grasp that Christ isn't through with this work in me. He started it and only He can see it through.

So despite the heaviness of heart I feel, I will choose to cling to this:

HE is Faithful!!

This is a picture of sweet Benjamin listening to those he loves and serves.

Writing to Process

I have always enjoyed reading blogs, but I never felt that I had a reason to write one. My life seemed pretty ordinary with very little that just needed to be shared (at least in writing).

In coming home from my second trip to Rwanda, I have found that I have so many things to process that my heart and mind need an outlet. So I am going to give this blog thing a go. The plan is to document my experiences in Rwanda and how I see God working in and through them to change me and reveal His plan for my future. I will need people to walk this road with me and speak truth into my life as I feel some big changes are coming.

I invite you to come on this journey with me. I hope that as I process all that I have seen, you will get to see some of the beautiful ways that God is on the move in Rwanda. His magnitude, overwhelming love, and incredible grace continue to amaze me as I discover new depths with Christ. May He draw near to all of us as we seek to follow in His steps. Thanks for reading!

I love pictures so here is a shot of some of my babies...