Little Ones

Since childhood I have loved babies and little children and just about everything that goes along with them. Based on that, I guess it is not surprising that I longed to be a teacher. It is interesting to actually be doing something that you wanted to do for so long. I have seen the wonderful and not so glamorous parts of teaching, but through it all the kids are what keep me coming back. With Rwanda, it was the same attraction for me. I found such joy in talking and playing with these children or just finding a little hand in mine as we walk along the road. This created a new passion for me as I wanted to be with these children- teaching, learning, and loving.

In God's timing He has given me the opportunity to both teach my kids here and now go to love on my kids there. As I was squeezing my little loves tight and saying goodbye only a week ago, the magnitude of what God entrusts me with daily really humbled me. I have an opportunity to speak into the lives of many children, to love them, show compassion and kindness, and be the representation of Christ when they may have no other. It is a lot of responsibility and an inexpressible joy. So as I sadly said goodbye to my class at school, I did it knowing that God has given me a whole other set of children across the world that it is time to share life with. I don't know why He chose me to do this, but I am so glad that He did. I will move from my loves here to my loves there and know that Jesus is crazy about all of them!
 I am coming little ones....

Transparency

This post is my attempt to be completely transparent for the sake of encouraging others in going after what God has called them to despite the struggle and to ask for much needed prayer support as I continue on this journey.

As you have heard me say many times before I am not someone who likes change or always handles it well. I am also a real home body so going across the world for months at a time is not something natural to me. I do this for the love of the people of Rwanda and my love for Jesus, not because I am good at it! So I knew in the months leading up to this trip that there would come a time when my body would start to react to this big change that was coming with some real anxiety. I have always had serious battles with nervousness and panic in these situations. For me, I knew it was pretty inevitable. The question was simply when this would start. Last Sunday morning I woke up with knots in my stomach and knew immediately that this was the beginning of my anxious days. Initially I was trying to address the panic I was feeling and later it just turned to anger that I already have to deal with this stress when my date to leave was still over three weeks away. Now in my natural state, my reaction is to fall apart, to think that I can't do this, and that I might as well turn back. From experience, I have learned that Christ has big things for me when the opposition is greatest. I can choose to believe the lies and give up the opportunities ahead out of fear OR I can choose to walk through the struggle clinging to Jesus and begging for grace. I knew what my decision had to be although in the throws of that intense anxiety it seems impossible to put one foot in front of the other. In all reality, it is impossible for me to do this and that is when I know that Christ alone is the hope to keep moving. He promises us that His grace is sufficient for THIS day! I cannot project His grace onto unknown days ahead and expect to be at peace. I have to take Him at His word and allow Jesus to walk me through this day.
The truth about this last week is that the anxiety didn't just go away. I still found that each morning as soon as I opened my eyes and knew I was in the world, the knots in my stomach were there. This is a struggle I have and must deal with, but His grace was enough! He did ease my mind and heart, provide relief, remind me that beautiful things are ahead and that they are mine if I just trust Him.

So for anyone who has felt the sting of anxiety or panic over what is to come, you are not alone. Don't let that keep you from moving forward in His grace and seeing the beauty of His will unfolding in your life. Being outside of your comfort zone yet inside His will is the best place to be!!

As my departure date draws closer the excitement builds and the anxiety threatens to undo me. PLEASE pray that I will see God's sufficient grace and experience it as my moment to moment reality. Pray that God will hold me so close that I can't deny His presence and that He would give me that peace that passes all understanding. I pray that this will be true for you in your moments of most desperate need. Cling to Jesus!!

It's all OFFICIAL!!

Since the last time I posted, some major steps have been taken to clear my way to Rwanda. I can now officially share all the information...

- The district granted me a sabbatical from work until next school year. My last day with my little kiddos will be April 19th.

- My plane ticket has been purchased. I will be flying out of Charlotte on May 2nd with the return date planned for July 8th.

- I have updated all my shots/medical info.

- My final fundraising night has been planned. I have received such tremendous support!! Thanks to everyone. God has truly provided through His people.

- In Rwanda I will spend my days teaching and working with teachers, visiting the sick, needy, orphaned/widowed, and being Benjamin's organizational system for the ministry :)

As the day grows closer I have so many emotions, the greatest being a combination of excitement and nervousness. I am thrilled that God has taken me through this whole process and continues to teach me new things about Himself all the time.
Please pray for me in these last few weeks of preparation- that my heart would be completely surrendered to the Lord and prepared for what He has for me, that I will be able to get everything done without pushing the limits of my energy and sanity (haha), and that Satan would have no room in my mind to breed anxiety, fear, or dread of being so far away from "home." I must remember my home is really wherever Jesus meets me!
Thank you for the overwhelming love and support.