My Worlds Collide

I come from the land of plenty where hot showers, fast internet, and reliable electricity abound. From the place where what we "need" is really more what we want to keep us comfortable. In that home of mine, I am not confronted on a daily basis with the reality of poverty, hunger, or desperation just to stay alive. Now I know that these things exist in the US, but I am able to go into my comfortable home and close out the hurting. I can walk away from what is hard and be content for a long time in all my stuff!

I have come home to this other land of mine, where the harsh reality hits me in waves as new days bring deeper understanding of the magnitude of suffering that can exist here. Little things like showering from a bucket when the water is off, letting my crazy hair air dry because the electricity is out, or packing into a bus to town where I don't think it is humanly possible to fit another person and then doing it somehow are a few things that make life here different from my life in the US. These are not the things that bother me. In all reality, it has been much easier to get used to the unpredictability of certain parts of life here than I thought. I find that I don't miss my big bed or hot shower. I don't need TV and constant internet. I can feel completely refreshed bathing from a bucket and get used to the pace of life that is very different from the rush of home.
It is stepping into the lives of people in these villages that wrecks me. That is what changes me and has me asking so many questions. That is what puts my comfortable, numb little life in Rock Hill into ugly perspective and leaves me reeling as I attempt to process what God could be saying or teaching me in all of this. I am in a place where DAILY I encounter someone's pain and need. Where the reality is that a child this ministry serves, died two weeks ago simply because he didn't have enough to eat. His little body starved to death, and I worry about not being able to eat my favorite snacks or missing my night time cereal for two months. I met a girl who at 14 is pregnant with her father's child-not by her choice and feels such shame that she tries constantly to keep her stomach hidden. I sat eating at a restaurant while a child on the street called to me that "he was hungry too." I spent yesterday in two homes (huts with no more than two "rooms") where the number of children is more than the amount of food they can afford because renting this house we wouldn't dream of living in takes more than they have. The children hadn't eaten for the past three days. Sometimes I hear that and it doesn't even resonate with me. Seeing those faces, there was no denying the reality of their need. I feel entitled to food after a few hours and they don't know when they will eat again. How do I reconcile this in my mind? How do my two worlds exist in such stark contrast to each other? What allowed me to be born in the land of plenty while these beautiful little ones were born into such need? It hurts my heart and brings a heaviness that is hard to shake. There is no crawling into my safe little cocoon and forgetting what is out there. These faces stand ready to remind me what life is really about.

So with my heart broken over what I see here and over what people (myself included) are completely missing at home, my dilemma becomes...how do I live in these two worlds??

How do I live in a world where I have everything I need and most of what I want, but can be so spiritually bankrupt? A world where I have TV or other forms of entertainment that allow me to make the choice to go numb and ignore the call to love others more than myself, and more often than not I make the wrong choice. How do I not only stay afloat but spiritually thrive in a place where my material possessions put me among the world's rich and not have to dull my senses in order to leave behind this other world of mine?

But then how do I live in a world where the daily reality I face is difficult struggles, heartbreaking stories, and overwhelming need? How do I love like Christ loves day in and day out without becoming hardened to that around me or so burdened that the inability to "fix" all of this leaves me depressed? In this world that is hard, sometimes lonely (as one who stands out in any crowd around here haha), and heavy with a responsibility to always do more, why do I feel such an intense joy that words can't capture? Why does my heart find such peace and comfort in the faces of these children? How can they be so full of life, real -beautiful -meaningful life, and I seem to so often be missing it when I am not here for them to remind me???

Honestly, I don't really know how to end this post in a lot of ways. I have more questions than answers for sure. I am asking a lot of my Jesus these days, and my heart is sometimes so desperate to reconcile what I see and feel, regulate my emotions, and settle in to somewhere comfortable with all of this. You know what happens when I start longing for that though? He reminds me that the comfortable, the ordinary, the numb is exactly what I asked Him to get me out of. The ability to dismiss the lost, needy, and hurting with excuses for how little I can do to change things or just a heart that doesn't love like His, is what I have been praying against. So here I am getting prayers answered and then wondering why I feel this way...why my heart hurts ( a feeling I know so many others have shared).

So my conclusion is this- my questions are many and are about really huge things, but my God is bigger. He is so passionately in love with me and these beautiful lives whose paths I am crossing. When I can't do everything I wish I could do, He reminds me that each day He is calling me to just the one(s) in front of me. That yesterday it was enough to give some money, buy some bread, and pray for the family of seven children who hadn't eaten in days. It is enough to hold children that are lonely or sick or hungry and remind them that their Jesus NEVER leaves! It is enough to put my tired head to the pillow each night and thank Him for another day of providing and ask Him to give of His abundance to those who so desperately need Him. Jesus is enough! He always has been for the destitute and broken here in Africa and for the lonely and needy hearts in America. Although it hurts, may I never return to the place of complacency! THAT is no longer enough.

Words of Calling

As I sat in a training session with Josephine yesterday, I prayed that God would open my heart to whatever He could teach me. This was a course that others were taking, and I would only be attending one out of the five sessions (not to mention the fact that this was the 3rd one in the sequence). My expectation going in was not very high for those reasons, but I wanted God to speak to me in some way. In His own sweet plan, He answered the prayer almost immediately. We read some verses of Scripture that "just happened" to be on the board from someone else's meeting before we got started. One of those passages was made up of verses I had read and God had used to inspire my heart about a year ago. I had not spent much time with them since then, but a fresh awakening for my soul came as I read and heard God clearly confirming these words for me. He was speaking them into my heart and over my life, especially for this season. I feel renewed in His vision for me here, and I am committing to reading and praying through these verses every day that He may use them greatly in me as I seek to do His will here.

Isaiah 61:1-4
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.
They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."


Holy Father,
May these words be true of my life and ministry. Send me out to the broken hearted, the poor, the sick, the desolate, the prisoners, and those living in darkness, for the sake of your Name! May the generation of children being brought up in Rwanda be those who will restore the places here that have been long devastated. May they be the change Christ is bringing to restore and rebuild for future generations. My heart is overwhelmed that You would allow me to be a part of this. Jesus- receive all the glory and delight as hearts turn to You!

Adjusting

My journey to two months in Rwanda began long before I left, but last Thursday marked the official beginning of this trip. I have to say that I was completely blown away by the grace of the Lord as my departure date grew closer. Normally my nerves and anxiety would be almost more than I could bear in the week leading up to something so big, but it wasn't until the day before my flight that the nerves kicked in. That in and of itself is reason for continued praise. When the anxiousness came on, it was pretty strong and left me unable to eat and wishing that I could just be "normal" in dealing with this transition. It always seems that I carry things like this on such a deep level emotionally that it leaves me exhausted before the journey begins. I fought tears and this aching heaviness as I said my goodbyes at the airport, and as Ben and I traveled I battled my emotions for our 38 hour journey. I knew that this was God's call for me, and that if He was leading this was His best for my life. I was clinging desperately to His promise that His grace is sufficient for anything that I face. While the first two days were full of adjustments to a new time zone, new food, new place to call home, I wondered if my heart would really adjust to being here and how I could move past the ache that pulled at me. In His beautifully simple way, Jesus began slowly unfolding His goodness as little things made me feel at home. Ben and Josephine have gone out of their way to be family- encouraging and praying for me. JP has gone above and beyond what anyone would ask to make sure that I am ok. There is even a loud dog that barks right outside my room at night to remind me of my neighbor's incredibly annoying dog back home! It is the little things- haha. After one week of being away, I can say confidently that I have adjusted to the newness of this home, and I am so thrilled to be here living out this call on my life! God's grace is nothing short of miraculous, and I truly am in awe that He cares so deeply for me that He would write such sweet details in my story! I am looking forward to the day that I will see family and friends from home again, but as early as yesterday my heart hurt at the idea of having to leave my friends and family here. I am praying that I will live intentionally in each moment I am given in Rwanda and that Christ would use me for the purpose He had in mind when all of this began!

Thank you for the overwhelming support and the reality of your consistent prayers. They are needed and felt daily! I pray that you will find joy in His presence as you walk the road He is leading you on!

Little Ones

Since childhood I have loved babies and little children and just about everything that goes along with them. Based on that, I guess it is not surprising that I longed to be a teacher. It is interesting to actually be doing something that you wanted to do for so long. I have seen the wonderful and not so glamorous parts of teaching, but through it all the kids are what keep me coming back. With Rwanda, it was the same attraction for me. I found such joy in talking and playing with these children or just finding a little hand in mine as we walk along the road. This created a new passion for me as I wanted to be with these children- teaching, learning, and loving.

In God's timing He has given me the opportunity to both teach my kids here and now go to love on my kids there. As I was squeezing my little loves tight and saying goodbye only a week ago, the magnitude of what God entrusts me with daily really humbled me. I have an opportunity to speak into the lives of many children, to love them, show compassion and kindness, and be the representation of Christ when they may have no other. It is a lot of responsibility and an inexpressible joy. So as I sadly said goodbye to my class at school, I did it knowing that God has given me a whole other set of children across the world that it is time to share life with. I don't know why He chose me to do this, but I am so glad that He did. I will move from my loves here to my loves there and know that Jesus is crazy about all of them!
 I am coming little ones....

Transparency

This post is my attempt to be completely transparent for the sake of encouraging others in going after what God has called them to despite the struggle and to ask for much needed prayer support as I continue on this journey.

As you have heard me say many times before I am not someone who likes change or always handles it well. I am also a real home body so going across the world for months at a time is not something natural to me. I do this for the love of the people of Rwanda and my love for Jesus, not because I am good at it! So I knew in the months leading up to this trip that there would come a time when my body would start to react to this big change that was coming with some real anxiety. I have always had serious battles with nervousness and panic in these situations. For me, I knew it was pretty inevitable. The question was simply when this would start. Last Sunday morning I woke up with knots in my stomach and knew immediately that this was the beginning of my anxious days. Initially I was trying to address the panic I was feeling and later it just turned to anger that I already have to deal with this stress when my date to leave was still over three weeks away. Now in my natural state, my reaction is to fall apart, to think that I can't do this, and that I might as well turn back. From experience, I have learned that Christ has big things for me when the opposition is greatest. I can choose to believe the lies and give up the opportunities ahead out of fear OR I can choose to walk through the struggle clinging to Jesus and begging for grace. I knew what my decision had to be although in the throws of that intense anxiety it seems impossible to put one foot in front of the other. In all reality, it is impossible for me to do this and that is when I know that Christ alone is the hope to keep moving. He promises us that His grace is sufficient for THIS day! I cannot project His grace onto unknown days ahead and expect to be at peace. I have to take Him at His word and allow Jesus to walk me through this day.
The truth about this last week is that the anxiety didn't just go away. I still found that each morning as soon as I opened my eyes and knew I was in the world, the knots in my stomach were there. This is a struggle I have and must deal with, but His grace was enough! He did ease my mind and heart, provide relief, remind me that beautiful things are ahead and that they are mine if I just trust Him.

So for anyone who has felt the sting of anxiety or panic over what is to come, you are not alone. Don't let that keep you from moving forward in His grace and seeing the beauty of His will unfolding in your life. Being outside of your comfort zone yet inside His will is the best place to be!!

As my departure date draws closer the excitement builds and the anxiety threatens to undo me. PLEASE pray that I will see God's sufficient grace and experience it as my moment to moment reality. Pray that God will hold me so close that I can't deny His presence and that He would give me that peace that passes all understanding. I pray that this will be true for you in your moments of most desperate need. Cling to Jesus!!

It's all OFFICIAL!!

Since the last time I posted, some major steps have been taken to clear my way to Rwanda. I can now officially share all the information...

- The district granted me a sabbatical from work until next school year. My last day with my little kiddos will be April 19th.

- My plane ticket has been purchased. I will be flying out of Charlotte on May 2nd with the return date planned for July 8th.

- I have updated all my shots/medical info.

- My final fundraising night has been planned. I have received such tremendous support!! Thanks to everyone. God has truly provided through His people.

- In Rwanda I will spend my days teaching and working with teachers, visiting the sick, needy, orphaned/widowed, and being Benjamin's organizational system for the ministry :)

As the day grows closer I have so many emotions, the greatest being a combination of excitement and nervousness. I am thrilled that God has taken me through this whole process and continues to teach me new things about Himself all the time.
Please pray for me in these last few weeks of preparation- that my heart would be completely surrendered to the Lord and prepared for what He has for me, that I will be able to get everything done without pushing the limits of my energy and sanity (haha), and that Satan would have no room in my mind to breed anxiety, fear, or dread of being so far away from "home." I must remember my home is really wherever Jesus meets me!
Thank you for the overwhelming love and support.

Waiting

If you are anything like me, waiting is hard (that is the understatement of the year)! Life has become a series of waiting for one thing or another, especially with regard to Rwanda and my journey to get back there. Sometimes I get completely overwhelmed as I wait for decisions to be made or things to be done that I have no control over. It seems as soon as I get answers in one area, there is another situation that requires more waiting. I believe that I have had a lot to learn in how to wait, and all of this is God's way of teaching me. It is not an easy lesson! I have found though, that as hard as it can be, God is faithful in the wait. He does give peace and rest when there is nothing more that I can do. He sets my mind at ease when the anticipation becomes too much, and He surprises me with little answers along the way.

Today I am writing from a place of excitement because I know that the day is drawing closer when I will be in Rwanda doing what Christ has called me to. Tonight a big decision will be made one way or another that will allow me to move forward with major steps and see all this become a reality. I can't wait to be able to share actual dates and a countdown to Rwanda with all of you on the blog!! Please be in prayer for me tonight as I await the outcome of a decision that is not mine but will make a difference in how I move forward. Please pray that God would use this decision to give clear direction and allow me to move into step with Him. I am so grateful for all that has happened along the way and how it has changed me. The next few weeks will be full of exciting details and plans!
Stay tuned.....