Not For Me to Know

Acts 1:7
"...It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by His own authority."

I start with this verse because in this heart-aching wait, this must be my daily reminder. God IS God, and I am NOT! I like control, predictability, order, often to a fault. This wait is a trying time. For so long, I felt like I was really holding it together. I knew going in to this adoption that the wait can be very long and hard. I thought I was pretty prepared for that. What I was not prepared for was the disappointment and doubt that creeps in when things start to slow for reasons that seem to have a simple solution. I started to see the facade of strength be chipped away with each day that we weren't hearing of progress. Then a night came when all defenses crumbled and my raw heart just broke before the Lord. As I cried, I listened and He was faithful to speak...

"Look at me. The waiting has worn you down, but I am still good. You have to keep looking at me, not at the wait. I have not changed. I haven't left. I am still in this! It doesn't surprise me nor do I wait on men to do anything for Me. I know it hurts, and I know you don't see the whole picture. You are not supposed to. I promise there is purpose here. Idu is still Mine, and you are still Mine. Hold on."

When my eyes and my heart start to look at what could be, what I want to happen, how I think it should be...I, like Peter, begin to sink. The anxiety takes hold. BUT when I turn my eyes up, when I get still, I hear Him drawing me in again. He is the authority on this. That has to be my bottom line. I have to leave it all there or I go down, and I start pulling my darling ones with me.

I have been reading Emily Freeman's book A Million Little Ways, and this section speaks so deeply to just this time in our journey to Idu...

"When you finally show up ready to release your art by being the person you believe you are created to be, there may be nothing more disheartening than to be asked to wait. The waiting can drive us mad if we let it. It can become a merciless dictator, shoving us into shapes we aren't made for, shapes of worry and doubt and short tempers. But the waiting can be sacred work. This is a kind of work that happens only in the secret place of abiding in the presence of Christ even in the midst of broken dreams and tired circumstance."

So when you ask me when our boy is coming home or how much longer we have to wait, please know this....

We are grateful for your support, love, and prayers more than we can express.
We have a lot of the same questions you do.
Our God is still in control of this!

My heart says these things, while what comes out of my mouth in answer to your question may be "It is not for me to know the times and dates the Father has set by His authority," as I voice it again to my own soul.

Counting the Days

This post is coming with 11 days until we are on our way back to Rwanda! My heart is so ready for the people, smells, food, memories, and indescribable joy that greets me each trip. Our family is also counting the days with more intention this time as we will get to be with our sweet Idu.

While we were hoping that this trip would have us coming home as a family of four, we can see that God is still working so we are still waiting. We do want you to rejoice with us that as of Friday, June 7th we are officially US approved as adoptive parents!!
This means that now all of our documentation can be sent to Rwanda for review. While we are in country, we are working to make an appointment with the advocate that will be handling our case and with JP's sister-in-law who is acting as our attorney there. All of these developments are gifts from God and answers to pray that we would see progress being made before our trip.

As we head to Rwanda there are so many things that our hearts and minds are dealing with. We would ask that as our faithful friends and family you would pray with us in these ways...

1. Praise God for progress!! He is allowing us mercies that many adoptive families do not get to experience- meeting face to face with advocates in country, seeing our child in the midst of the waiting process, family and friends on the ground in Rwanda that can help with so many parts of this. These are only from the hand of God, and we want Him to receive the glory!

2. Pray that our time with Idu would be sweet. We want him to get to know us a bit and feel a certain level of comfort. Pray especially that he and I would be able to bond some as I will be the one who does most of the caregiving for him and yet the one that is least like him in appearance. There can be a level of fear for him that we are praying against!

3. Pray for our hearts as we walk away from him. I can't imagine the intensity of that moment or how any of us will handle it, but I know that God only gives us grace for one day at a time. I want to remember that I would rather get this time with him and have to say "see you soon" than not get it at all. Please specifically pray that we would have words to explain to Maya as much as we can about why he can't come home right now. Pray that God will minister to her heart in ways that only He can.

4. Pray for our conversations with each person that will be involved in this adoption process. Pray for transparency and understanding in terms of learning about what Idu's needs will be, how we can best take care of him from afar until he comes home, and that God would allow our love for him to be evident to all who would be making decisions about this case.

Thank you isn't enough for all the prayers, financial, and emotional support that we are receiving from you all! God has shown us what a loving and beautiful covenant family we are bringing Idu into.

I can see the promise
I can see the future
You're the God of seasons
And I'm just in the winter
If all I know of harvest
Is that it's worth my patience
Then if You're not done working
God, I'm not done waiting!

While We're Waiting

I want to start this blog update with a thank you to our church family and community of friends! You have gathered around us showing God's love through giving, praying, and walking with us as we navigate this adoption journey as a family. We would never want to do this without you.

We are fully in what I call the waiting game. We have done all that we can do in submitting paperwork, having fingerprints done, paying fees, and now we just continue to wait. We need to hear from the US government that our application to be adoptive parents has been approved which will allow us to send all of our information off to Rwanda.
We did hear from our agency that a family a little ahead of us in the process of adopting from Rwanda has taken the last major step of getting visa approval for their child. We rejoice with them and are happy to know that this means Rwanda has taken all necessary steps for adoptions from there to be approved by the US government. This works in our favor so that there will not be delays when the time comes for our visa approval. Thank you Lord for answered prayer!!

We are over halfway to our fundraising goal which humbles us and reminds us of God's constant faithfulness and how He uses people to accomplish His purposes, big or small.
Please continue to pray with us that God would move mountains! We have not stopped praying that Idu will be able to come home with us from our trip. We know that this is a BIG request, but nothing is too big for our God. If it is not God's timing that Idu come home then, please pray for all of our hearts in this transition and waiting. May He be glorified in our waiting and in Idu's homecoming!


My baby boy,

While I can't hold you, I pray the one who is snuggles you with love.

While I can't wipe your tears or learn your cries, I pray the one who does comes quickly when you need her.

While I can't hear your laugh, I pray that there are many things that bring you joy.

While I can't tuck you in bed at night, I pray that you get rest for your body and soul.

While I can't feed you and know your favorite foods, I pray that God will keep your tummy filled.

While we wait to offer you all the benefits of family, we pray that God holds you near and surrounds you with His protection and love.

We are coming soon!

Love,
Mommy

Making Progress

This last month has been a crazy, busy one! Since I last updated the blog we have made some real progress toward bringing Idu home. This is what has been happening...

1. Our home study is now complete in its entirety and has been submitted to our agency for review and approval.

2. We have been in fundraising mode. God has used many already through our One Mission fund and just personal donations to get us started toward our ultimate goal of raising $20,000+. Our online fund is still open, and we will be sharing more details with our church family in the coming weeks about how anyone who feels led can support us financially. If anyone has questions, please ask!! We truly cannot do this without the support of others.

3. We have received a recent update on Idu. While the information was not very encouraging, we know that he is at least in a safe place and are confident that God is moving this process along in order to get him home. To that end we are asking for PRAYER warriors! We are praying daily for Idu- his health, safety, development, and that God would prepare him for all the transitions that are to come in a way that only God can do. We are also asking God to line up the timing of bringing him home with our trip this summer. That is a BIG ask because there are still government hoops to jump with two countries before we can do anything. Would you please go to God on our behalf? Ephesians 3:20 reminds us that He can do above and beyond all we ask or imagine. We want to see that even more in Idu's life and journey to be home.

So our next step in this adventure is completing all of our dossier paperwork to be submitted to our agency and then to the US government. They will have to review it all and decide to deem us able to be adoptive parents. We know that God is in control of each paper, person who sees it, and the timeline for processing it. We are asking Him for favor in every area!

I will leave you with an encouragement to read Psalm 91. We are praying this over our coming son! So many of the words apply directly to his life, and the protection God has already provided for him in the midst of turmoil. May God bless you as you read it and as you remember us in prayer. We are overwhelmed with gratitude for the loving community God has given us!

https://onemission.fund/support/our-hearts-his-home/?shopfor=163162

Next Steps

We have officially hit a new phase in our adoption journey! We have submitted many initial forms and as we prepare for our home study, it is time to start fundraising. We would love to be able to simply fund it all ourselves, but we know that God has placed us in community and calls us to rely on others to walk this journey with us. He is teaching us humility and dependence through this process. When God calls any of His children to something big, He never intends for us to walk it alone. He has shown us many things in Scripture about how to live this life for Christ, but this one is continually before us in this season:

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

We want to ask you to be a part of our community of support in bringing our little boy home. In doing this, you are caring for the orphan in distress.

Tomorrow we will launch our online fundraiser for this first phase of fees with onemission.fund. This is a wonderful organization that helps many people fundraise for different causes. It will allow you to donate directly to us, purchase one of our custom t-shirts, or buy other awesome products while 40% of your purchase goes to our fund!

I will update here as we fundraise, but watch Facebook starting tomorrow for more details!

We can't do this without you, so we hope that you know how grateful our hearts are for each one who supports us in this and is used by God to build our family!

The Making of a Family

This story used to be something only in dreams. Its beginning was unknown to me, but the Author always knew what was coming. Like a breathtaking mountain view that you see more clearly with each step you climb toward the peak, this journey has come into focus over years and miles and twisted paths.

Long before there was a marriage or struggles with infertility or our little miracle baby, my heart believed in adoption. I believed in its power as a tool in the hand of the Creator to redeem a life that so often seemed utterly helpless. I believed in it as a display of the Gospel for the world to see. I believed that the longing in my heart was from the Lord and that one day he would make a family of people, not all biologically linked, but heavenly bonded. 

I had my ideas for how this thing called family would take shape, and never once has my plan held a candle to the story that is now unfolding. I couldn't have written it, and for that I am very thankful! If my husband weren't from Rwanda and we weren't invested in ministry there, would we know this little one even existed? If we were able to have children of our own at a pace we determined, would we be in a position to seek after him? If we hadn't lost his mother, would she still have decided this was best for him? I don't know these answers, and I don't need to. 

What I know is that through the brokenness of this world and the loss that it brings, God has led us to a baby boy. He has captured our hearts, and we are going after him. Right now there are mountains between us that God has to move. We will meet financial hurdles, wade through immigration processes again, make emotional transitions, and deal with our ever present companion- waiting. Through it all, I can see the mountaintop coming into view. 

Hold on little one- God is making a family, and it has always included you!

The Risk of Loving

I originally wrote this article for Outreach North America, sharing an impactful missions experience. It has since become much more than just an experience. I want it to be here to represent our family's story with Rwanda and those we love there. In many ways this is just the beginning...

She was 16. Our relationship was both longstanding and newfound. Longstanding because I first met her years earlier as a child in the ministry I had worked with, and newfound because God knit our hearts together as I stood with her in the greatest struggle of her life. She had become pregnant through no fault or choice of her own. Nothing but a bleak future stood before her and her unborn child. It was in this time that God called me to her side. Never before have I been given such love and compassion for someone who had essentially been a stranger. What could I do for her? How could anything I did make a difference when I was in Rwanda for under three weeks? To that, God said “Feed the hungry.” It was within my means to meet some very immediate physical needs so my husband and I did just that. It so happened in God’s great sovereignty that my brother was sponsoring this precious one. So as we delivered food, we also got to bring words of hope and encouragement from her sponsor across the world. It was not until I stood in her home with her in my arms and my husband relayed these words through tears that God said, “Bring hope to the hopeless.” My heart was forever lost to her that day. The Lord allowed me to be the vessel of His intense, pursuing love of her. Through simply listening to her story, acknowledging her wounds, and committing to a continued relationship, she felt like someone truly loved her for the first time in her life. She began to believe that the God she had prayed to saw her even in her shame. Christ’s hope started to be a light in her smile. While my intention was always to support her in every way possible from home, what I didn’t know was that hugging her before I left would be the last time I would get that opportunity this side of heaven. Disease took her from us only three months later, but not before she delivered and loved on her beautiful baby boy. I wrestled with my God over this loss. I mourned for the life that could have been. I cried for her son who was without the one person he had in this life. And I wondered. I wondered why God connected me to her with so much love to pour out but for such a short season. Why did I have to mourn this? Why did I have to feel so immensely for someone just to lose her? While I knew that I would never regret showing her His love and seeing the change in her heart, I just felt so let down that this was the end. It wasn’t happy. It wasn’t what I hoped for. I can’t say I have all the answers I have wanted from God, but moving forward He says to me, “Care for the orphan.” Before she died, she got to know that we were committed to her and this little life she bore. She knew that we intended to do all we could to help provide for her son. In the end, he was her greatest concern, and God allowed me to be used to bring her peace. 

Does God need us to accomplish His plans? No. Does He use us? Absolutely! We are the privileged when He does. So as you follow Christ, spend yourself in loving in His name and for the sake of the gospel. Allow Him to pour into you a love for others that is beyond your understanding. It will require sacrifice. It may leave you with aches and tears you didn’t ask for. You will never regret it!

"We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

"I saw what I saw, and I can't forget it.

I heard what I heard, and I can't go back. 

I know what I know and I can't deny it.

Something along the road, cut me to the soul.

Your pain has changed me.

Your dreams inspire,

Your face a memory,

Your hope a fire,

Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of 

And what I know of love."

Remembering to Love

It is that time of the year where "love" is all around us. Everywhere you go you see gifts, cards, and ideas for letting someone know that you love them. It's far too easy to get caught up in the romance or excitement of it all and forget that everyday we, as followers of Christ, are called to love. If you read 1 Corinthians 13, it is quite an intimidating calling. I know for me, I fail to live up to that mandate of love daily. The great news is that we aren't asked to do that in our strength. Jesus has loved us like that and will love through us like that. I have been reminded recently how intimately and uniquely God loves me. He is invested in my life, dreams, gifts, and plans. He wants me to know how deeply He has loved me so that I can share that with the world. If Jesus loves me in such powerfully unique way, I know that is true of the love He has for each of His children. You all know that my heart beats in two different countries. I heard a couple of weeks ago about some precious little ones in my other home who are coming to an incredibly difficult time in their young lives. These boys were rescued from the street in Rwanda and have been living in a home together supported by Ben and Reach the Children of Rwanda for years. As of February 1st the ministry no longer had the funds to continue paying their housing. This meant that the boys would either return to family situations (alcoholic mothers, homes of prostitution) that had driven them to the streets or would be left with no where to go. I have fallen in love with these boys in my times in Rwanda, and it breaks my heart to know that they may be living in homes so broken, desperate for someone to take care of them or that they would spend even one night out on the street. To know that they were rescued and now their future is in jeopardy again was more than I could take. I wanted to get it off my mind so that it wouldn't keep hurting to think of it. In wrestling with this, I learned something. Those boys are never off of my Father's mind. He is thinking of them and loving them desperately all the time. He wants to see them safe and whole. He wants them in a place that makes a future beyond life on the street a reality for them. He wants them to know the depth of His love and the power that it has to transform even the darkest of circumstances. It was in seeing His love for me and His love for them that Jesus reminded me why I couldn't get them off my mind. I was being called to love them from a world away. What these boys need is a safe place. Right now, their best option is boarding school where they will be housed, fed, taught, and have people watching over them. I cannot afford to put each of these boys in boarding school, but I can pray for them and share their story in hopes that there are people who can financially support this effort. I can't fix this on my own. It is God's story, and He is going to make a way for these boys. I am thrilled to be a part of shedding light on these little lives so that others will feel God's call to love these souls across the world. It is my delight to advocate for them and do anything I can to make a bright future possible for God's cherished little boys. Would you be able to respond in love to this call?

It costs $600 a year to put one of these boys in a boarding school. I have already gotten responses from 2 people who want to sponsor a child. If you are willing and able to sponsor a child or even give a donation toward a sponsorship, please contact me on Facebook or email me at flinnk@hotmail.com.

It is so life changing to see people through the lens of God's love, and my heart is overwhelmed at how He is taking care of His little ones! May you be continually blessed in this year and know the reality of God's unique love for you!

Thank you friends!

These are pictures of the boys when they were living in the ministry home. There is so much story behind each smile. We want to make sure that they keep these smiles and can one day share the testimony of Christ's work in their lives through people who were willing to love!

Until We Meet Again

Nyabihu is a village about 2 hours outside of the capital city of Kigali. Over the past three years, it has become one of my favorite places in the world. Being there, I find little hands in mine, see smiling faces, and hear my name hundreds of times as children envelop me in what can only be called a huddle hug. I have had the privilege of spending three weeks out there this summer, and those times have been the highlight of this trip. On Sunday, I had to drive away from this little village knowing that it was the last time I will see it for at least another year. This is one of the hardest recurring themes in my life. I love being there, and I always dread leaving!
The reason it is so hard to walk away from this place, is that it is here where I hear God most clearly speak to me about what is breaking His heart. He is not ok with the way the world is, and He is calling me to no longer be ok with it either. In Nyabihu, I have found what I recently heard a pastor call my "holy discontent." This is the place where my heart says enough is enough and something must be done. It is not ok with me to live in my total comfort while my babies are hungry. It is not ok for me to focus solely on my personal growth when my babies need Jesus. It is not ok for anyone to feel forgotten or abandoned by this world, and my Jesus will not let me forget it!
What makes the leaving so difficult is knowing that my heart and destiny are somehow wrapped up in this place, and yet I still have to walk away.  It is hard to understand that my path is not leading me here right NOW, and that is why I am reduced to sobs as I drive away from the people who have captured my heart. It is easy to feel frustrated and upset at having to go, but my Lord reminded me that this pain is good! My heart only hurts because God has caused me to love them so and broken my heart over what hurts His. So, for now I carry them and their stories with me, commit them to prayer, rejoice in the time we had together and what the future holds. I cannot say goodbye. So I say with a thankful heart, until we meet again....

My Worlds Collide

I come from the land of plenty where hot showers, fast internet, and reliable electricity abound. From the place where what we "need" is really more what we want to keep us comfortable. In that home of mine, I am not confronted on a daily basis with the reality of poverty, hunger, or desperation just to stay alive. Now I know that these things exist in the US, but I am able to go into my comfortable home and close out the hurting. I can walk away from what is hard and be content for a long time in all my stuff!

I have come home to this other land of mine, where the harsh reality hits me in waves as new days bring deeper understanding of the magnitude of suffering that can exist here. Little things like showering from a bucket when the water is off, letting my crazy hair air dry because the electricity is out, or packing into a bus to town where I don't think it is humanly possible to fit another person and then doing it somehow are a few things that make life here different from my life in the US. These are not the things that bother me. In all reality, it has been much easier to get used to the unpredictability of certain parts of life here than I thought. I find that I don't miss my big bed or hot shower. I don't need TV and constant internet. I can feel completely refreshed bathing from a bucket and get used to the pace of life that is very different from the rush of home.
It is stepping into the lives of people in these villages that wrecks me. That is what changes me and has me asking so many questions. That is what puts my comfortable, numb little life in Rock Hill into ugly perspective and leaves me reeling as I attempt to process what God could be saying or teaching me in all of this. I am in a place where DAILY I encounter someone's pain and need. Where the reality is that a child this ministry serves, died two weeks ago simply because he didn't have enough to eat. His little body starved to death, and I worry about not being able to eat my favorite snacks or missing my night time cereal for two months. I met a girl who at 14 is pregnant with her father's child-not by her choice and feels such shame that she tries constantly to keep her stomach hidden. I sat eating at a restaurant while a child on the street called to me that "he was hungry too." I spent yesterday in two homes (huts with no more than two "rooms") where the number of children is more than the amount of food they can afford because renting this house we wouldn't dream of living in takes more than they have. The children hadn't eaten for the past three days. Sometimes I hear that and it doesn't even resonate with me. Seeing those faces, there was no denying the reality of their need. I feel entitled to food after a few hours and they don't know when they will eat again. How do I reconcile this in my mind? How do my two worlds exist in such stark contrast to each other? What allowed me to be born in the land of plenty while these beautiful little ones were born into such need? It hurts my heart and brings a heaviness that is hard to shake. There is no crawling into my safe little cocoon and forgetting what is out there. These faces stand ready to remind me what life is really about.

So with my heart broken over what I see here and over what people (myself included) are completely missing at home, my dilemma becomes...how do I live in these two worlds??

How do I live in a world where I have everything I need and most of what I want, but can be so spiritually bankrupt? A world where I have TV or other forms of entertainment that allow me to make the choice to go numb and ignore the call to love others more than myself, and more often than not I make the wrong choice. How do I not only stay afloat but spiritually thrive in a place where my material possessions put me among the world's rich and not have to dull my senses in order to leave behind this other world of mine?

But then how do I live in a world where the daily reality I face is difficult struggles, heartbreaking stories, and overwhelming need? How do I love like Christ loves day in and day out without becoming hardened to that around me or so burdened that the inability to "fix" all of this leaves me depressed? In this world that is hard, sometimes lonely (as one who stands out in any crowd around here haha), and heavy with a responsibility to always do more, why do I feel such an intense joy that words can't capture? Why does my heart find such peace and comfort in the faces of these children? How can they be so full of life, real -beautiful -meaningful life, and I seem to so often be missing it when I am not here for them to remind me???

Honestly, I don't really know how to end this post in a lot of ways. I have more questions than answers for sure. I am asking a lot of my Jesus these days, and my heart is sometimes so desperate to reconcile what I see and feel, regulate my emotions, and settle in to somewhere comfortable with all of this. You know what happens when I start longing for that though? He reminds me that the comfortable, the ordinary, the numb is exactly what I asked Him to get me out of. The ability to dismiss the lost, needy, and hurting with excuses for how little I can do to change things or just a heart that doesn't love like His, is what I have been praying against. So here I am getting prayers answered and then wondering why I feel this way...why my heart hurts ( a feeling I know so many others have shared).

So my conclusion is this- my questions are many and are about really huge things, but my God is bigger. He is so passionately in love with me and these beautiful lives whose paths I am crossing. When I can't do everything I wish I could do, He reminds me that each day He is calling me to just the one(s) in front of me. That yesterday it was enough to give some money, buy some bread, and pray for the family of seven children who hadn't eaten in days. It is enough to hold children that are lonely or sick or hungry and remind them that their Jesus NEVER leaves! It is enough to put my tired head to the pillow each night and thank Him for another day of providing and ask Him to give of His abundance to those who so desperately need Him. Jesus is enough! He always has been for the destitute and broken here in Africa and for the lonely and needy hearts in America. Although it hurts, may I never return to the place of complacency! THAT is no longer enough.

Words of Calling

As I sat in a training session with Josephine yesterday, I prayed that God would open my heart to whatever He could teach me. This was a course that others were taking, and I would only be attending one out of the five sessions (not to mention the fact that this was the 3rd one in the sequence). My expectation going in was not very high for those reasons, but I wanted God to speak to me in some way. In His own sweet plan, He answered the prayer almost immediately. We read some verses of Scripture that "just happened" to be on the board from someone else's meeting before we got started. One of those passages was made up of verses I had read and God had used to inspire my heart about a year ago. I had not spent much time with them since then, but a fresh awakening for my soul came as I read and heard God clearly confirming these words for me. He was speaking them into my heart and over my life, especially for this season. I feel renewed in His vision for me here, and I am committing to reading and praying through these verses every day that He may use them greatly in me as I seek to do His will here.

Isaiah 61:1-4
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.
They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."


Holy Father,
May these words be true of my life and ministry. Send me out to the broken hearted, the poor, the sick, the desolate, the prisoners, and those living in darkness, for the sake of your Name! May the generation of children being brought up in Rwanda be those who will restore the places here that have been long devastated. May they be the change Christ is bringing to restore and rebuild for future generations. My heart is overwhelmed that You would allow me to be a part of this. Jesus- receive all the glory and delight as hearts turn to You!

Adjusting

My journey to two months in Rwanda began long before I left, but last Thursday marked the official beginning of this trip. I have to say that I was completely blown away by the grace of the Lord as my departure date grew closer. Normally my nerves and anxiety would be almost more than I could bear in the week leading up to something so big, but it wasn't until the day before my flight that the nerves kicked in. That in and of itself is reason for continued praise. When the anxiousness came on, it was pretty strong and left me unable to eat and wishing that I could just be "normal" in dealing with this transition. It always seems that I carry things like this on such a deep level emotionally that it leaves me exhausted before the journey begins. I fought tears and this aching heaviness as I said my goodbyes at the airport, and as Ben and I traveled I battled my emotions for our 38 hour journey. I knew that this was God's call for me, and that if He was leading this was His best for my life. I was clinging desperately to His promise that His grace is sufficient for anything that I face. While the first two days were full of adjustments to a new time zone, new food, new place to call home, I wondered if my heart would really adjust to being here and how I could move past the ache that pulled at me. In His beautifully simple way, Jesus began slowly unfolding His goodness as little things made me feel at home. Ben and Josephine have gone out of their way to be family- encouraging and praying for me. JP has gone above and beyond what anyone would ask to make sure that I am ok. There is even a loud dog that barks right outside my room at night to remind me of my neighbor's incredibly annoying dog back home! It is the little things- haha. After one week of being away, I can say confidently that I have adjusted to the newness of this home, and I am so thrilled to be here living out this call on my life! God's grace is nothing short of miraculous, and I truly am in awe that He cares so deeply for me that He would write such sweet details in my story! I am looking forward to the day that I will see family and friends from home again, but as early as yesterday my heart hurt at the idea of having to leave my friends and family here. I am praying that I will live intentionally in each moment I am given in Rwanda and that Christ would use me for the purpose He had in mind when all of this began!

Thank you for the overwhelming support and the reality of your consistent prayers. They are needed and felt daily! I pray that you will find joy in His presence as you walk the road He is leading you on!

Little Ones

Since childhood I have loved babies and little children and just about everything that goes along with them. Based on that, I guess it is not surprising that I longed to be a teacher. It is interesting to actually be doing something that you wanted to do for so long. I have seen the wonderful and not so glamorous parts of teaching, but through it all the kids are what keep me coming back. With Rwanda, it was the same attraction for me. I found such joy in talking and playing with these children or just finding a little hand in mine as we walk along the road. This created a new passion for me as I wanted to be with these children- teaching, learning, and loving.

In God's timing He has given me the opportunity to both teach my kids here and now go to love on my kids there. As I was squeezing my little loves tight and saying goodbye only a week ago, the magnitude of what God entrusts me with daily really humbled me. I have an opportunity to speak into the lives of many children, to love them, show compassion and kindness, and be the representation of Christ when they may have no other. It is a lot of responsibility and an inexpressible joy. So as I sadly said goodbye to my class at school, I did it knowing that God has given me a whole other set of children across the world that it is time to share life with. I don't know why He chose me to do this, but I am so glad that He did. I will move from my loves here to my loves there and know that Jesus is crazy about all of them!
 I am coming little ones....

Transparency

This post is my attempt to be completely transparent for the sake of encouraging others in going after what God has called them to despite the struggle and to ask for much needed prayer support as I continue on this journey.

As you have heard me say many times before I am not someone who likes change or always handles it well. I am also a real home body so going across the world for months at a time is not something natural to me. I do this for the love of the people of Rwanda and my love for Jesus, not because I am good at it! So I knew in the months leading up to this trip that there would come a time when my body would start to react to this big change that was coming with some real anxiety. I have always had serious battles with nervousness and panic in these situations. For me, I knew it was pretty inevitable. The question was simply when this would start. Last Sunday morning I woke up with knots in my stomach and knew immediately that this was the beginning of my anxious days. Initially I was trying to address the panic I was feeling and later it just turned to anger that I already have to deal with this stress when my date to leave was still over three weeks away. Now in my natural state, my reaction is to fall apart, to think that I can't do this, and that I might as well turn back. From experience, I have learned that Christ has big things for me when the opposition is greatest. I can choose to believe the lies and give up the opportunities ahead out of fear OR I can choose to walk through the struggle clinging to Jesus and begging for grace. I knew what my decision had to be although in the throws of that intense anxiety it seems impossible to put one foot in front of the other. In all reality, it is impossible for me to do this and that is when I know that Christ alone is the hope to keep moving. He promises us that His grace is sufficient for THIS day! I cannot project His grace onto unknown days ahead and expect to be at peace. I have to take Him at His word and allow Jesus to walk me through this day.
The truth about this last week is that the anxiety didn't just go away. I still found that each morning as soon as I opened my eyes and knew I was in the world, the knots in my stomach were there. This is a struggle I have and must deal with, but His grace was enough! He did ease my mind and heart, provide relief, remind me that beautiful things are ahead and that they are mine if I just trust Him.

So for anyone who has felt the sting of anxiety or panic over what is to come, you are not alone. Don't let that keep you from moving forward in His grace and seeing the beauty of His will unfolding in your life. Being outside of your comfort zone yet inside His will is the best place to be!!

As my departure date draws closer the excitement builds and the anxiety threatens to undo me. PLEASE pray that I will see God's sufficient grace and experience it as my moment to moment reality. Pray that God will hold me so close that I can't deny His presence and that He would give me that peace that passes all understanding. I pray that this will be true for you in your moments of most desperate need. Cling to Jesus!!

It's all OFFICIAL!!

Since the last time I posted, some major steps have been taken to clear my way to Rwanda. I can now officially share all the information...

- The district granted me a sabbatical from work until next school year. My last day with my little kiddos will be April 19th.

- My plane ticket has been purchased. I will be flying out of Charlotte on May 2nd with the return date planned for July 8th.

- I have updated all my shots/medical info.

- My final fundraising night has been planned. I have received such tremendous support!! Thanks to everyone. God has truly provided through His people.

- In Rwanda I will spend my days teaching and working with teachers, visiting the sick, needy, orphaned/widowed, and being Benjamin's organizational system for the ministry :)

As the day grows closer I have so many emotions, the greatest being a combination of excitement and nervousness. I am thrilled that God has taken me through this whole process and continues to teach me new things about Himself all the time.
Please pray for me in these last few weeks of preparation- that my heart would be completely surrendered to the Lord and prepared for what He has for me, that I will be able to get everything done without pushing the limits of my energy and sanity (haha), and that Satan would have no room in my mind to breed anxiety, fear, or dread of being so far away from "home." I must remember my home is really wherever Jesus meets me!
Thank you for the overwhelming love and support.

Waiting

If you are anything like me, waiting is hard (that is the understatement of the year)! Life has become a series of waiting for one thing or another, especially with regard to Rwanda and my journey to get back there. Sometimes I get completely overwhelmed as I wait for decisions to be made or things to be done that I have no control over. It seems as soon as I get answers in one area, there is another situation that requires more waiting. I believe that I have had a lot to learn in how to wait, and all of this is God's way of teaching me. It is not an easy lesson! I have found though, that as hard as it can be, God is faithful in the wait. He does give peace and rest when there is nothing more that I can do. He sets my mind at ease when the anticipation becomes too much, and He surprises me with little answers along the way.

Today I am writing from a place of excitement because I know that the day is drawing closer when I will be in Rwanda doing what Christ has called me to. Tonight a big decision will be made one way or another that will allow me to move forward with major steps and see all this become a reality. I can't wait to be able to share actual dates and a countdown to Rwanda with all of you on the blog!! Please be in prayer for me tonight as I await the outcome of a decision that is not mine but will make a difference in how I move forward. Please pray that God would use this decision to give clear direction and allow me to move into step with Him. I am so grateful for all that has happened along the way and how it has changed me. The next few weeks will be full of exciting details and plans!
Stay tuned.....

Let's Talk About.....Missions!

God has given me a heart passionate for foreign missions. Because of that I LOVE to hear about missions in foreign countries, speak about my own mission to Rwanda, and be in the presence of people who are also passionate about sharing Christ around the world. If you enjoy this as well, I have a great opportunity for you.
My church is having a missions conference this coming weekend. We will have special speakers each night with a different missions focus. I have also been asked to speak on Sunday night about my second home and the time I will be spending there in a matter of months. Below is the schedule for each session. I would love to see you there!!

All sessions will be in the Family Life Center located behind the sanctuary of Neely's Creek Church (974 Neely's Creek Road).

Friday night at 6:45- short term missionary in refugee camps, missionaries serving with SIM (serving in mission).

Saturday at 8:30 am- local opportunities to become involved in missions.

Saturday at 6:45 pm- missionary family to serve in Spain

Sunday at 9:45 am- focus on a missionary's journey to the field ( I will share a little in this time).

Sunday at 11 am- Director of World Witness (ARP missions agency). He will also speak during each evening session.

Sunday at 6:45- ME! Focus on what God has done along the way to Rwanda.

Reliance

"Relying on God has to start all over everyday, as if nothing has yet been done." - C.S. Lewis

This is a quote that I saw somewhere and wrote down about a year ago, knowing it was something I needed to be reminded of on a regular basis. That has never been more true than in these last few months. This journey of following God as He leads me to Rwanda has brought with it every emotion imaginable...ones I didn't even think could have anything to do with this process. There have been times of extreme closeness to the Lord and times when I felt like He was far from here. There have been questions that seemed to have no answers and answers provided before I even knew to ask the question. Recently some things I had counted on changed once again which means more adjusting, praying, and waiting. For a planner like me, this has been one wild ride of trust and faith. I have failed to trust and wait more times than I even want to admit. Every time I come back to the Lord, He reminds me that this is a process that I have to take one step at a time. Each time a new obstacle presents itself or even when plans are coming together smoothly and it all seems to be falling into place, I must remind my soul that every morning (or a million times throughout the day), I have to start over with relying on His hand to guide me through each step.
I don't know where you are or what you might be needing God's guidance for, but know that He can be counted on. We can begin each day relying on Him for what only He can provide.

Jesus-
Please remind me every day that I need You more than I realize. When You show me my need, would You also help me to lay down my agenda and expectations to rely fully on You. Teach my soul to surrender anew every morning!

Obvious... my new favorite word

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Growing up in the church, this is a verse I heard a lot and memorized at a young age. It has revealed different truths to me throughout the years, but one in particular struck me several weeks ago. I was reading a book where the author was describing our role and God's role in this verse. We are to trust God with everything and acknowledge that we want His will in each area of our lives. That is usually as far as I went in reflecting on these words because that is where my responsibility in it lies. When looking further, the author of this book pointed out that as we do that, God's part is to make our paths straight. She went on to use the word "obvious." My first reaction to that word was that it was not used in the verse, and I was not sure that it was something I could expect from the Lord. Can I really ask that He make something obvious to me and expect that He will do it? According to His word, He will make our paths straight or, in other translations, direct our paths. If He is directing me, then why would He not want to make things clear so that I can follow wholeheartedly? So that night I decided that I was laying Rwanda at His feet. I released my plans, desires, and questions to Him. I told my sweet Lord that I needed to know what He wanted for me, but that I needed it to be so obvious that I could not deny it was His answer. I asked that I would be so sure of His will,  that to turn my back on what He revealed would be to choose disobedience. I knew that I was being bold, and honestly I wasn't sure what would come from it. I was determined to stand on His promise to direct my path. Let me tell you that within about two hours my answer came, in the form of a burden He placed on someone else's heart. He answered months of prayers, longing, and questioning, in one conversation with a dear friend. He revealed in beautiful detail how He had been working even when we weren't aware of how all the pieces fit together. I asked for obvious and boy did I get it!! Now, I don't believe that answers from Him will always come so quickly or dramatically as they did that day, but I know He hears my prayers. I know that He wants me to ask Him to reveal Himself. I know that He is calling me to Rwanda in His specific time, and I am taking each step He shows to get there. There has been a lot of waiting and wondering, a lot of joy and tears, but with every event that has occurred He has been moving me to this place and this time. He gave me my obvious answer when I surrendered my way and asked for His will on this path. I have no doubt that He will do the same for you!!

Running

I went running today. For anyone who knows me, you know that it is usually a battle within my own mind to actually just get out there and do it. Once I get going it isn't too bad until I hit this one incline on my road that makes me wish I had never had this brilliant idea to run today. So I was listening to my iPod as usual, feeling fine, and then I hit that hill. I got to that moment where my legs start burning and I am working overtime to breathe. Well today my shoe also came untied and the wind started whipping against me. I was just wishing that I was done- at the end of this run and not having to think about it anymore. That is when I heard Him....Jesus that is. Tenderly He said, "One step at a time, sweetheart." Rather than focusing on where I eventually wanted to get, in these hard moments, I needed to take it one step at a time and no more. With that in my mind, I decided to try just focusing on my next step- not desperately searching for my driveway to come into view. When I did, I saw that the reality of running those steps wasn't nearly as difficult as the build up in my mind. I could do it. I could continue to run even when it was hard, if I just took it step by step. Of course, Jesus wasn't really speaking to me about my run. He was speaking to me about this journey I am on with Him. Right now I find myself in another one of those periods of waiting that threatens to derail my emotional handle on things. I am refusing to let Satan convince me that my God is not faithful or doesn't care about answering me. I have seen His faithfulness and tender care so many times already this year. So when I just want everything figured out....no more questions, worries, uncertainty, I hear Him again- "One step at a time, sweetheart." As much as I sometimes don't see it or even fail to admit it, He does know best and for whatever reason I am having to wait. I can praise Him that He has never left me in the wait! He is my joy, and so I am choosing one step at a time.

 

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..."