Not For Me to Know

Acts 1:7
"...It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by His own authority."

I start with this verse because in this heart-aching wait, this must be my daily reminder. God IS God, and I am NOT! I like control, predictability, order, often to a fault. This wait is a trying time. For so long, I felt like I was really holding it together. I knew going in to this adoption that the wait can be very long and hard. I thought I was pretty prepared for that. What I was not prepared for was the disappointment and doubt that creeps in when things start to slow for reasons that seem to have a simple solution. I started to see the facade of strength be chipped away with each day that we weren't hearing of progress. Then a night came when all defenses crumbled and my raw heart just broke before the Lord. As I cried, I listened and He was faithful to speak...

"Look at me. The waiting has worn you down, but I am still good. You have to keep looking at me, not at the wait. I have not changed. I haven't left. I am still in this! It doesn't surprise me nor do I wait on men to do anything for Me. I know it hurts, and I know you don't see the whole picture. You are not supposed to. I promise there is purpose here. Idu is still Mine, and you are still Mine. Hold on."

When my eyes and my heart start to look at what could be, what I want to happen, how I think it should be...I, like Peter, begin to sink. The anxiety takes hold. BUT when I turn my eyes up, when I get still, I hear Him drawing me in again. He is the authority on this. That has to be my bottom line. I have to leave it all there or I go down, and I start pulling my darling ones with me.

I have been reading Emily Freeman's book A Million Little Ways, and this section speaks so deeply to just this time in our journey to Idu...

"When you finally show up ready to release your art by being the person you believe you are created to be, there may be nothing more disheartening than to be asked to wait. The waiting can drive us mad if we let it. It can become a merciless dictator, shoving us into shapes we aren't made for, shapes of worry and doubt and short tempers. But the waiting can be sacred work. This is a kind of work that happens only in the secret place of abiding in the presence of Christ even in the midst of broken dreams and tired circumstance."

So when you ask me when our boy is coming home or how much longer we have to wait, please know this....

We are grateful for your support, love, and prayers more than we can express.
We have a lot of the same questions you do.
Our God is still in control of this!

My heart says these things, while what comes out of my mouth in answer to your question may be "It is not for me to know the times and dates the Father has set by His authority," as I voice it again to my own soul.

Counting the Days

This post is coming with 11 days until we are on our way back to Rwanda! My heart is so ready for the people, smells, food, memories, and indescribable joy that greets me each trip. Our family is also counting the days with more intention this time as we will get to be with our sweet Idu.

While we were hoping that this trip would have us coming home as a family of four, we can see that God is still working so we are still waiting. We do want you to rejoice with us that as of Friday, June 7th we are officially US approved as adoptive parents!!
This means that now all of our documentation can be sent to Rwanda for review. While we are in country, we are working to make an appointment with the advocate that will be handling our case and with JP's sister-in-law who is acting as our attorney there. All of these developments are gifts from God and answers to pray that we would see progress being made before our trip.

As we head to Rwanda there are so many things that our hearts and minds are dealing with. We would ask that as our faithful friends and family you would pray with us in these ways...

1. Praise God for progress!! He is allowing us mercies that many adoptive families do not get to experience- meeting face to face with advocates in country, seeing our child in the midst of the waiting process, family and friends on the ground in Rwanda that can help with so many parts of this. These are only from the hand of God, and we want Him to receive the glory!

2. Pray that our time with Idu would be sweet. We want him to get to know us a bit and feel a certain level of comfort. Pray especially that he and I would be able to bond some as I will be the one who does most of the caregiving for him and yet the one that is least like him in appearance. There can be a level of fear for him that we are praying against!

3. Pray for our hearts as we walk away from him. I can't imagine the intensity of that moment or how any of us will handle it, but I know that God only gives us grace for one day at a time. I want to remember that I would rather get this time with him and have to say "see you soon" than not get it at all. Please specifically pray that we would have words to explain to Maya as much as we can about why he can't come home right now. Pray that God will minister to her heart in ways that only He can.

4. Pray for our conversations with each person that will be involved in this adoption process. Pray for transparency and understanding in terms of learning about what Idu's needs will be, how we can best take care of him from afar until he comes home, and that God would allow our love for him to be evident to all who would be making decisions about this case.

Thank you isn't enough for all the prayers, financial, and emotional support that we are receiving from you all! God has shown us what a loving and beautiful covenant family we are bringing Idu into.

I can see the promise
I can see the future
You're the God of seasons
And I'm just in the winter
If all I know of harvest
Is that it's worth my patience
Then if You're not done working
God, I'm not done waiting!

While We're Waiting

I want to start this blog update with a thank you to our church family and community of friends! You have gathered around us showing God's love through giving, praying, and walking with us as we navigate this adoption journey as a family. We would never want to do this without you.

We are fully in what I call the waiting game. We have done all that we can do in submitting paperwork, having fingerprints done, paying fees, and now we just continue to wait. We need to hear from the US government that our application to be adoptive parents has been approved which will allow us to send all of our information off to Rwanda.
We did hear from our agency that a family a little ahead of us in the process of adopting from Rwanda has taken the last major step of getting visa approval for their child. We rejoice with them and are happy to know that this means Rwanda has taken all necessary steps for adoptions from there to be approved by the US government. This works in our favor so that there will not be delays when the time comes for our visa approval. Thank you Lord for answered prayer!!

We are over halfway to our fundraising goal which humbles us and reminds us of God's constant faithfulness and how He uses people to accomplish His purposes, big or small.
Please continue to pray with us that God would move mountains! We have not stopped praying that Idu will be able to come home with us from our trip. We know that this is a BIG request, but nothing is too big for our God. If it is not God's timing that Idu come home then, please pray for all of our hearts in this transition and waiting. May He be glorified in our waiting and in Idu's homecoming!


My baby boy,

While I can't hold you, I pray the one who is snuggles you with love.

While I can't wipe your tears or learn your cries, I pray the one who does comes quickly when you need her.

While I can't hear your laugh, I pray that there are many things that bring you joy.

While I can't tuck you in bed at night, I pray that you get rest for your body and soul.

While I can't feed you and know your favorite foods, I pray that God will keep your tummy filled.

While we wait to offer you all the benefits of family, we pray that God holds you near and surrounds you with His protection and love.

We are coming soon!

Love,
Mommy

Making Progress

This last month has been a crazy, busy one! Since I last updated the blog we have made some real progress toward bringing Idu home. This is what has been happening...

1. Our home study is now complete in its entirety and has been submitted to our agency for review and approval.

2. We have been in fundraising mode. God has used many already through our One Mission fund and just personal donations to get us started toward our ultimate goal of raising $20,000+. Our online fund is still open, and we will be sharing more details with our church family in the coming weeks about how anyone who feels led can support us financially. If anyone has questions, please ask!! We truly cannot do this without the support of others.

3. We have received a recent update on Idu. While the information was not very encouraging, we know that he is at least in a safe place and are confident that God is moving this process along in order to get him home. To that end we are asking for PRAYER warriors! We are praying daily for Idu- his health, safety, development, and that God would prepare him for all the transitions that are to come in a way that only God can do. We are also asking God to line up the timing of bringing him home with our trip this summer. That is a BIG ask because there are still government hoops to jump with two countries before we can do anything. Would you please go to God on our behalf? Ephesians 3:20 reminds us that He can do above and beyond all we ask or imagine. We want to see that even more in Idu's life and journey to be home.

So our next step in this adventure is completing all of our dossier paperwork to be submitted to our agency and then to the US government. They will have to review it all and decide to deem us able to be adoptive parents. We know that God is in control of each paper, person who sees it, and the timeline for processing it. We are asking Him for favor in every area!

I will leave you with an encouragement to read Psalm 91. We are praying this over our coming son! So many of the words apply directly to his life, and the protection God has already provided for him in the midst of turmoil. May God bless you as you read it and as you remember us in prayer. We are overwhelmed with gratitude for the loving community God has given us!

https://onemission.fund/support/our-hearts-his-home/?shopfor=163162

Next Steps

We have officially hit a new phase in our adoption journey! We have submitted many initial forms and as we prepare for our home study, it is time to start fundraising. We would love to be able to simply fund it all ourselves, but we know that God has placed us in community and calls us to rely on others to walk this journey with us. He is teaching us humility and dependence through this process. When God calls any of His children to something big, He never intends for us to walk it alone. He has shown us many things in Scripture about how to live this life for Christ, but this one is continually before us in this season:

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

We want to ask you to be a part of our community of support in bringing our little boy home. In doing this, you are caring for the orphan in distress.

Tomorrow we will launch our online fundraiser for this first phase of fees with onemission.fund. This is a wonderful organization that helps many people fundraise for different causes. It will allow you to donate directly to us, purchase one of our custom t-shirts, or buy other awesome products while 40% of your purchase goes to our fund!

I will update here as we fundraise, but watch Facebook starting tomorrow for more details!

We can't do this without you, so we hope that you know how grateful our hearts are for each one who supports us in this and is used by God to build our family!

The Making of a Family

This story used to be something only in dreams. Its beginning was unknown to me, but the Author always knew what was coming. Like a breathtaking mountain view that you see more clearly with each step you climb toward the peak, this journey has come into focus over years and miles and twisted paths.

Long before there was a marriage or struggles with infertility or our little miracle baby, my heart believed in adoption. I believed in its power as a tool in the hand of the Creator to redeem a life that so often seemed utterly helpless. I believed in it as a display of the Gospel for the world to see. I believed that the longing in my heart was from the Lord and that one day he would make a family of people, not all biologically linked, but heavenly bonded. 

I had my ideas for how this thing called family would take shape, and never once has my plan held a candle to the story that is now unfolding. I couldn't have written it, and for that I am very thankful! If my husband weren't from Rwanda and we weren't invested in ministry there, would we know this little one even existed? If we were able to have children of our own at a pace we determined, would we be in a position to seek after him? If we hadn't lost his mother, would she still have decided this was best for him? I don't know these answers, and I don't need to. 

What I know is that through the brokenness of this world and the loss that it brings, God has led us to a baby boy. He has captured our hearts, and we are going after him. Right now there are mountains between us that God has to move. We will meet financial hurdles, wade through immigration processes again, make emotional transitions, and deal with our ever present companion- waiting. Through it all, I can see the mountaintop coming into view. 

Hold on little one- God is making a family, and it has always included you!

The Risk of Loving

I originally wrote this article for Outreach North America, sharing an impactful missions experience. It has since become much more than just an experience. I want it to be here to represent our family's story with Rwanda and those we love there. In many ways this is just the beginning...

She was 16. Our relationship was both longstanding and newfound. Longstanding because I first met her years earlier as a child in the ministry I had worked with, and newfound because God knit our hearts together as I stood with her in the greatest struggle of her life. She had become pregnant through no fault or choice of her own. Nothing but a bleak future stood before her and her unborn child. It was in this time that God called me to her side. Never before have I been given such love and compassion for someone who had essentially been a stranger. What could I do for her? How could anything I did make a difference when I was in Rwanda for under three weeks? To that, God said “Feed the hungry.” It was within my means to meet some very immediate physical needs so my husband and I did just that. It so happened in God’s great sovereignty that my brother was sponsoring this precious one. So as we delivered food, we also got to bring words of hope and encouragement from her sponsor across the world. It was not until I stood in her home with her in my arms and my husband relayed these words through tears that God said, “Bring hope to the hopeless.” My heart was forever lost to her that day. The Lord allowed me to be the vessel of His intense, pursuing love of her. Through simply listening to her story, acknowledging her wounds, and committing to a continued relationship, she felt like someone truly loved her for the first time in her life. She began to believe that the God she had prayed to saw her even in her shame. Christ’s hope started to be a light in her smile. While my intention was always to support her in every way possible from home, what I didn’t know was that hugging her before I left would be the last time I would get that opportunity this side of heaven. Disease took her from us only three months later, but not before she delivered and loved on her beautiful baby boy. I wrestled with my God over this loss. I mourned for the life that could have been. I cried for her son who was without the one person he had in this life. And I wondered. I wondered why God connected me to her with so much love to pour out but for such a short season. Why did I have to mourn this? Why did I have to feel so immensely for someone just to lose her? While I knew that I would never regret showing her His love and seeing the change in her heart, I just felt so let down that this was the end. It wasn’t happy. It wasn’t what I hoped for. I can’t say I have all the answers I have wanted from God, but moving forward He says to me, “Care for the orphan.” Before she died, she got to know that we were committed to her and this little life she bore. She knew that we intended to do all we could to help provide for her son. In the end, he was her greatest concern, and God allowed me to be used to bring her peace. 

Does God need us to accomplish His plans? No. Does He use us? Absolutely! We are the privileged when He does. So as you follow Christ, spend yourself in loving in His name and for the sake of the gospel. Allow Him to pour into you a love for others that is beyond your understanding. It will require sacrifice. It may leave you with aches and tears you didn’t ask for. You will never regret it!

"We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

"I saw what I saw, and I can't forget it.

I heard what I heard, and I can't go back. 

I know what I know and I can't deny it.

Something along the road, cut me to the soul.

Your pain has changed me.

Your dreams inspire,

Your face a memory,

Your hope a fire,

Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of 

And what I know of love."